You and me could write a bad romance.

i don't know what happened.
i got scared.
like really scared.
out of no where.
like bam.
and there it was.
and there i went.
i bolted.
i left.
i just left. :/

i don't know what happened.
i really like him.
like.. more than i should.
it's weird.
i barely know him.
maybe that's it.
maybe it's not.
maybe i'm just a girl scared of commitment.
i do know this.
i don't want to be hurt again.
i know that.
but i honestly think.. he wouldn't hurt me.
so i don't fucking know.

he's sweet.
he's funny.
he holds doors open for me.
he's insanely handsome.
he has a personality.
he's not mean.
he's not a jerk.
totally not what im used to.
i'm not complaining, just not used to this.
it's fucking crazy.

i already miss him.
i woke up this morning,
and i was sad he wasn't next to me.
i was sad his arms weren't around me.
how lame is that?
totally lame.
cause i'm the one that left.
i just left.
i didn't even talk to him about it.
i'm a mean person, i swear.

i know one thing.
i want him.
i know that.
he's great.
i don't know what my problem is.
xoxo
<3
you and me could write a bad romance.

Girly fucking moment.

lol,
i read something,
and i fell apart.
all over again.
LOL.
such a girly moment.
i re-thought all my plans.
i actually double guessed myself.
because of your stupid fucking bitch ass.
can you believe that?
it really pissed me off.
like.. i don't even know why i was so mad.
i mean.. i KNOW why i'm mad.
but seriously.
it's just ridiculous.
girly moment.
fucking girly moment.
done.
xoxo

Definately Happening.

i've decided.. i'm getting these tattoo's.
soon.
:)
especially the one on top.
that's definately happening somewhere on my body.

BFF.

I miss you.
I miss you insanely.
It's crazy that i'm not near you anymore.
I really hate that i can't just drive, and end up at your house.
I really, really miss you.
You are like the other half of me.
And without him near, i feel like i'm incomplete.
You are amazing, and whoever can't see that, is a little fucker with no life.
Even though we're just best friends, you are my soulmate.
I love you as much as i can love anyone, even if it's platonic.
Stephen = Life.

I love you.
I miss you.
I'll see you soon.
xoxo

My good deed for the day.

i was at the store today,
because my sister is super sick.
she has been throwing up all day.
i sooo don't wanna catch that.
anyways,
i went to the store.
i got her some medicine.
i got her some crackers.
and some gadorade for the electrolytes.
i got myself some vitamin C tablets so i can keep my immune system up.

i was standing in line, and there was this elderly woman in front of me.
she had a lot of groceries in her basket and couldn't bend very well to get them.
i asked her if i could help her, and she was very happy about them.
as it was ringing up, she asked me why she was there, and where she was.
i was like.. you just went shopping for food at ralph's.
the lady at the cashier told her the total,
so she got out her credit card.
she didn't know how to use the machine very well.
and the bagger and cashier lady were getting impatient.
so they did it for her.
i thought it was so very rude.
when it came to my turn, about 15 minutes later,
i paid for my items, and quickly found her again.
she forgot how she got there.
i asked her if she drove.
and she said no.
i asked her if someone dropped her off.
and she said yes.
i asked her who, and she said the taxi cab.
i offered to call her another cab because she refused to let me take her where she needed to go.
so i called her the cab, and waited with her until it came.
i learned her name was Dorothy.
her husband passed away about 5 years ago.
she has 4 grown children and about 15 grandchildren.
throughout the conversation,
every so often,
she asked me who i was.
and where she was.
and why she was outside.
it broke my heart.
once the cab came, she forgot where she lived.
i asked her if i could see her drivers licence,
so i told the cab driver to go there.
i hope she got there alright.
i really wish her the best.

before she left, she said "thank you for standing with me in this awful weather, and thank you for the great conversation"

it brought tears to my eyes to see her like that.
she's all alone.
obviously going insane,
and losing her mind slowly.
and no one is there to help her.
if someone was there to help her,
they would have been there in the store with her.
and not made her take a taxi to get there.

i think i could be an amazing nurse.
i feel it's my calling.
i want to help people.
in all kinds of circumstances.

i wish her the best.
xoxo

I cried the whole way here.

i cried the whole way here.




it's not that i literally,
just left my home..

it's that i really disappointed people i love.
i love my nana.
i would never hurt her.
i'd stand up for her if she were wrong.
i'd take a bullet for her.

when i left this morning, she cried.
she said i was abandoning her.
she said i was going to ruin my life.
she said that.. her home, wasn't my home anymore.
she asked for the key back.
but then said i could keep it, if i called in advance to tell her when i was visiting, if i was visiting.

why the fuck wouldn't i visit?
i'm ALREADY homesick.
it's been less then 24 hours.
i need to go HOME atleast once a month.
i need to see her.
i need to see if she is okay.

it was weird.
my grandpa walked me to my car before i left,
and he hugged me,
and he said
"i'm sorry i'm such an asshole all the time which is making you leave"
and he looked at me with tears in his eyes
and he went inside.

i cried the whole way to palm springs.
i've disappointed them.
i've hurt them.
i've betrayed them.

i don't know how i disappoiinted them.
i don't know how i hurt them.
i don't know how i betrayed them.

i'm doing this for me.
i needed to think about myself for once.
and they didn't miss a beat, letting me know that.

i love my nana.
and i wish one day she will forgive me.
xoxo

Goodbye Arizona, Hello California<3

goodbye, arizona.
hello, california<3



i'm finally leaving.
ever since i moved to arizona,
i've wanted to go back to california.


since i've been in arizona,
i've gained friends.
lost friends.
loved.
lost.
didn't care.
cared too much.
smiled.
laughed.
cried.
felt like i was going to die.
put up with shit i should have never put up with.
made a difference in certain people's lives.
met some amazing people.
met some not so amazing people.
had so much fun i didn't want it to end.
felt so bad i wanted it all to end.

all in all,
it's been a good 5 years.
i've had my ups and downs.
but overall, it's been alright.

i'm leaving behind all the drama.
i'm leaving behind all the betrayal.
i'm leaving behind all the negative.

honestly, i'm done with it all.
this chapter in my life is over.
and i'm starting a new one.

yes, i'm going to miss stephen.
but honestly,
i don't want to even talk to anyone else.
he is the only one worth it.
and i'm going to miss him insanely.
but the thing about leaving him here is that..
he won't forget me.
he won't replace me.
he will be there when i return.
and i will never forget him.
and i will never replace him.
and i'm always around if he needs me.

of course, i'm visiting once a month.
can't go too long without seeing him.
but i'm leaving.
and i'm never looking back.
this is the right thing to do.
it's the best decision i've made in awhile.
and i'm proud of myself.

no more gossip.
no more lies.
no more betrayal.
no more friends letting me down.
no more heartache.

i'll have the road infront of me tomorrow.
the long road, the desert.
and i'm gone.
i'm not even stopping.

yes, i'm going to miss arizona.
but as i said before, that chapter in my life is over.
and i hope others make the same drastic decision to start a new chapter in their lives.

i love you.
i'll miss you.
i'll see you soon<3
xoxo