I cried the whole way here.

i cried the whole way here.




it's not that i literally,
just left my home..

it's that i really disappointed people i love.
i love my nana.
i would never hurt her.
i'd stand up for her if she were wrong.
i'd take a bullet for her.

when i left this morning, she cried.
she said i was abandoning her.
she said i was going to ruin my life.
she said that.. her home, wasn't my home anymore.
she asked for the key back.
but then said i could keep it, if i called in advance to tell her when i was visiting, if i was visiting.

why the fuck wouldn't i visit?
i'm ALREADY homesick.
it's been less then 24 hours.
i need to go HOME atleast once a month.
i need to see her.
i need to see if she is okay.

it was weird.
my grandpa walked me to my car before i left,
and he hugged me,
and he said
"i'm sorry i'm such an asshole all the time which is making you leave"
and he looked at me with tears in his eyes
and he went inside.

i cried the whole way to palm springs.
i've disappointed them.
i've hurt them.
i've betrayed them.

i don't know how i disappoiinted them.
i don't know how i hurt them.
i don't know how i betrayed them.

i'm doing this for me.
i needed to think about myself for once.
and they didn't miss a beat, letting me know that.

i love my nana.
and i wish one day she will forgive me.
xoxo