I woke up with a smile on my face.

i woke up with a smile on my face.





life is good.
seriously.
it's such shit sometimes.
but life is good.
life happens.
life goes on.
it's great.

i love the friends i have.
i know they are real friends,
they haven't left.

i have really learned what real friends are,
this year, and last year.
i've lost some friends.
i've gained new ones.
and i've had old ones that won't give up.

i have one best friend.
his name is stephen.
he is seriously, the love of my life.
even if it's platonic.
i know,
no matter what,
he will always be there.
and i can't thank him enough.
sometimes when i'm upset..or really happy, or whatever.
i start driving.
and you want to know where i end up?
at his house, in his arms.
i don't even think about it.
i drive.
and he is my desination.

lol, he is the ONLY one that i will have a baby for.
i am soooo against kids.
but i would ruin my vagina for him.
and spoil that little kid like he was a king or something.
as long as it's not mine :)
that's how much i love him.

we tell eachother the truth.
even if we don't want to hear it.
that's why i love him so much.
nothing we say is bullshit.
well.
LOL
most of it is bullshit.
but the truth in it,
is we are honest with eachother.

i woke up today,
with a smile on my face.
and i thought of stephen.
so i guess i had a dream about him.
but i so don't remember.
he just means the world to me.
seriously.
we're not even like
our eachothers significant others.
we're just best friends.
that's deeper then any boyfriend/girlfriend you'll ever have.
i'm so convinced.

i didn't tell stephen about my blog for two months,
after i created it.
then i fav'd it on his computer.
i write about him.
sometimes good.
sometimes bad.
it's truth.
honesty.
love.

i really love him.
i tell him constantly.
and i'm sure it annoys him.
but he never says it does.
i love him too much.
but that's just me.
don't love at all.
or love too much.
there is no middle.

he gives me hope.
he gives me hope in everything.
he makes me think guys can be better.
i'm going through a serious,
fuckkk off, don't look at me, don't touch me, don't hit on me, don't ask me for my number, don't ask me out, fuck off kind of stage.
and he gives me hope.
because he is literally perfection in a man.

even though he doesn't really like girls "that way",
it's still hope.
and i know if i fall,
he will catch me.
and i know if i find someone,
he would be happy.

i am happy he found someone.
i am happy he used to be so good.
i am happy that he found his perfection.
i am happy his perfection is getting help.
i am happy he is coming back.
and i am happy that once his perfection comes back, i'll give him a hug, and ask him why he's been gone for so long.

i can't wait for that day.
even after all the hurtful things i've said about him,
i miss him everyday.
i hate that it had to be like this.
i'm stubborn as fuck.
but,
one day,
not anytime soon,
but one day,

i'll see that old man again.
and give him a hug.
and a kiss on the cheek.
and all would be right again.

xoxo