Turns out you can't forgive everything.

^^me and my sister. xoxo (she edited it, haha, what a cutie)




i got a call today.





my sister called me today.
she rarely calls me.
we were just catching up.
she was telling me about school.
and how she's excited i am moving in with her.
and all of a sudden
and like..
flipped out.
like, not crying.
but flipped out.
i could tell she was upset.
and worried.
she was asking me questions.
did i trust our mother,
did i think she was going back to drugs,
did i think things were going to work out,
am i going to keep our mother in check,
ect, ect, ect.

we never talk like this.
she never, ever, we never have deep conversations.
i'm glad we did.
i'm glad she can trust me.
she has the same insecurities about the situation that i do.
it's like,
she was speaking my mind.
i mean, she should.
we've been through it.
we went through it together.
we still go through it.

she was speaking slowly.
trying to get reactions out of me,
and i gave them to her.

for one, she said she didn't trust our mother.
i said i don't and never will 100%.
i can't trust someone that's hurt me more times then i can remember.
i can't trust someone that is still, and always will be, a drug addict.
she isn't on drugs now.
but it can change.
it can change so very fast.
now,
i know i am suppose to tell her it's fine, not to worry, being the older sister.
but i don't want to lie to her.
i was lied to, and when i was lied to, it was worse.
i thought everything was fine, ans then the next day, boom.
everything wasn't fine.
i want her to be prepared.
i know i am.
i wait for the call everyday.
"I'm sorry but your mother went back to drugs."
i try not to think about it.
but i know,
at anytime,
it can happen.

for two,
she said that she didn't want our mother to go to work right away.
i agree one-hundred percent.
whenever she gets a job,
she meets people.
the wrong kind of people.
we know this.
but my mother can't grasp the idea.
our mother says she is fine.
and that this time it's going to be okay.

but you know what?
we've heard it all before.
i've heard it all my life.
that's the reason i didn't talk to my own mother for THREE years.
three years.
and when i did talk to her,
it was hurtful.
i was the biggest bitch.
i didn't support her in any way at all.
i wasn't behind her, at all.

don't get me wrong.
i love my mother.
but that doesn't mean i have to like her.
and that's what i told my little sister.
you can love her all you want,
but you don't have to like her,
you don't have to trust her,
you don't have to give her support.

she's a grown woman.
if she's done with her little drugs,
and if she's done with her fucking up shit,
then she's done with it.
but if not,
it's not our responsibility to take care of her.
she is suppose to be the mother.
not us.
she already missed her chance with me.
i'm all grown up.
i don't need guidence, especially from her.
but my little sister, she needs a mother.
but our mother..
she acts like she's 16 years old.
they always say you are frozen in time, the first time you try drugs.
i believe that.

i'm glad my sister could talk to me about this.

she was telling me about a dream she had,
where mom was back in prison,
and she called her,
"baby, i'm sorry but i'm back in jail"

it was like deja vu for me.
i've heard that so many times.
i've got that call, so many times.
"baby, i can't make it to christmas, i'm in jail"
"baby, i'm sorry i can't get you any birthday presents, i'm back in jail"
"baby, i love you please love me too"

it's all bullshit.
all of it.
and i know how my sister feels.

i remember the last itme my mother fucked up big time.
my sister was real little.
i was in third grade.
(yeah, she's been in prison and rehab that long, just getting out now)
i got home from school.
and my mother told me to take my sister out to play.
i did what she said.
we went outside.
there was grass.
we were just chilling.
it became dark, and i went to go back in with my sister.
the door was locked.
i rang the doorbell, and she didn't answer.
i banged on the door, and she finally answered.
i saw marks on her arms.
she told me she wasn't feeling well,
and that our aunt was going to get us and we will stay with her for the night.
so our aunt picked us up.
we stayed the night.
i went to school with dirty clothes on.
my sister was too little so she stayed with my aunt.
when 2pm hit and school was just about to be let out,
out of the corner of my eye,
i saw my nana.
and i knew my mother had fucked up again.
i knew it.
before she even told me,
i knew it.
my mother only had me back for 21 days,
then she fucked it up.


i do not want that to happen to my sister again.
it's happened to me all my life.
and i don't want her to go through it.
as much as she drives me crazy,
i love my sister.
and i'd take on the whole fucking world to protect her.

i have many doubts.
but until shit happens, if it does,
i'll deal with it then.
but for now,
it will always be in the back of my mind,
but i won't let it run my life.
and i told her the same thing.
i hope my wisdom helped her in any way it could.
xoxo