I still like you more.

no matter how many guys talk to me.
no matter how many guys flirt with me.
no matter how many guys call me.
and try to win me over,

i still like you better.
as much as you drive me crazy sometimes,
as much as you neverrr call me,
as much as you aren't close to where i am,
i still like you better.

but it won't be that way forever.
win me over.
make it so i don't want to talk to these other guys.
all i want to do, is talk to you.
and see you.
and kiss you.

maybe you don't want this.
which is perfectly totally your choice.
just tell me,
so i'll know.
i'll know to stop getting my hopes up.
and i'll know that you don't want this.

i miss you.
and i know what i want.
what do you want?
i'm tired of guessing.
xoxo

I miss you. I wish i got to know you.

i had the weirdest, most amazing dream last night.



it was about my father.
all of a sudden.
i don't dream about him often.
i only remember glimpes of him.
i don't remember his voice.
but i remember what he looked like and how he walked.
and how tall he was.

so my dream..

i was in vegas with friends,
my nana and mother.
i guess i was older, because i was gambling.
i was doing the slots and this guy sat next to me.
and i looked at him, in the dream,
and it looked exactly like my father.
and he looked at me,
and i asked him his name.
and it was my fathers name,
and i asked him how old he was,
and he said the same age my father would have been if he were still around.
and then i told him my name, and he just looked at me.
some reason, the dream all fastforwarded itself,
and we were at the hotel we were staying at,
and my father was all..
"i'm so sorry i left you. i had to go away for a little bit, but now that i found you again, i'll never leave you."
and the dream was so real.
like it's one of those dreams where it's so real and you never want to wake up.
i asked him where he lived.
and he said "fort mohave, arizona, the border of arizona and nevada"
and dream me knew exactlyyyy where that was
and real me has no idea where that is.
so i totally googled it, real me, and it's really next to the border of arizona and nevada!
i have no idea how dream me knew that.
and then the dream fast forwarded itself again,
and my father was hugging me,
and for some reason i saw a scar on his stomach,
and i asked how he got it,
and he said it happened when he was away for a little bit.
now, real me, telling my mother this dream, says he did have a scar on his stomach from a gun shot wound from when he was in the organized crime profession.
she had never told me that he ever had a scar, like how did dream me know that?

dream me knows a lot more then real me does. lol, like seriously.

so back in the dream,
he was hugging me, saying he will never leave me again, saying he will move closer to me to be in my life and apparently i was getting married or something, dream me was, and he wanted to walk me down the isle and have the father-daughter dance with me.
and in the dream, i remember crying, but it was happy tears.
i was so happy i found him again, and i was so happy he was in my life because i've missed him for so long. i'm such a daddy's girl.

and then i woke up.
and i was so upset.
and i tried to go back to sleep,
and dream more about it, and i couldn't.
don't you hate when that happens?

i wish my dream was real.
i wish he was still around and just.. he had to go away for awhile.
i've always thought that when i was little.
i always just thought.. he wasn't dead and he was just away.
and he would come back when he finished whatever he was doing.
but that's not the case,
and this is life,
and life happens.

i just wish i knew him better.
apparently dream me knows him better.
weirdd.

miss you dad.
and i know one day i will see you again.
xoxo

I just want to tell you one thing.

arizona, here i come.



sooo.. going back for the summer.
hopefully for school too.
back to that small little town.
full of boredem.
full of drama.
everyone knows everyone there.
if you go to the fucking store,
you see like 15 people you know.
every
single
time.
but it's not all that bad.
i miss my friends.
i miss my nana.
i miss my house.
so it's chill.

i don't miss a lot of things,
but i'll be sure to avoid most of it.
although, it's super impossible
to avoid people in this town,
like seriously.
you WILL see them eventually.
which totally sucks, but that's life.

i do have a lot of friends there.
in arizona.
so it's not going to be crazy boring.
and i do like chilling at home every once in awhile.

i don't have high hopes chilling with stephen a lot this summer.
i know cristina and cori will always be around.
i could always chill with stephanie and make fun of zack.
and a crazy list of friends for certain occasions like the movies or getting food.
and of course road tripping to see a certain someone in norcal.
unless HE IS AMAZING and visits me instead ;) winkwink

haha and my neighborhood,
lol.
no more walks for me.
don't wanna run into anyone.
i don't even know what i would say.
i don't think i'd say anything.
after crazy shit happened,
you know what i did?
i packed my shit
and split.
like within a month.
i was gone.
which was pretty good in the long run.
bonded with my mother.
faught with my sister, but still bonded.
met an amazing guy.
had some new experiences.
it was worth it.
and i think if i would not have standed up for myself,
and just let him do that to me,
over and over,
i would still be stuck in that little town
with the same drama,
and you know what?
i'm over it.
and life is good.

i just want to tell you one thing.
i am better than you.
i am better than you'll ever be.
and for all that stupid shit that we pulled,
it was pathetic.
and you are pathetic.
you will never have a functional relationship as long as you live.
and if you ever find a girl that will put up with you long enough to keep you around, i feel honestly bad for her.
because you are a horrible person.
and you will always be a horrible person.
you will never change.
as much as you think you've changed,
and as much as you think you can get whatever the fuck you want,
you can't,
and you never will.

thats all i have to say.
and this will be the last time i write about you.
this chapter in my life is over.
and when i write my crazy award winning book,
that's what you'll be.
one f-u-c-k-i-n-g chapter.

you want to know why?
i'm better than that.
i have dignity.
and i am a much stronger person than you.
i don't hide behind shit.
i may run occasionally,
but i face my problems,
unlike you.

:)

oh and p.s -- i'm doing great.
without you.
xoxo

Uhh.. I think i'll pass.

so.
i go swimming here like, everyday.
and hottubing, like everyday.
cause it's boring.
but it's chill i guess.
and everyday,
this guy shows up 5 minutes after me
and talks to me
and flirts
and all kinds of stuff
and tells me his life story
everyday.

today,
he asked me on a date.
he's 31.
to go bowling.

and he even said when he asked me my age,
that i'm still a baby.

like wtf.
that's sweet and all,
and i said i'm leaving in 2 days to go back to arizona
and whatev you know?

i think i'll pass.
i like someone else.
and let's not fuck that one up.

and tomorrow when i go swimming
he's going to ask me when i want to go bowling
and i'm a nice girl, right?
i don't want to be mean,
and be like,
well,
you are too old for me,
and not my type,
and i'm interested in someone else,

how do i even say that nicely.
LOL.

i feel hella bad.
cause he thinks he has a chance,
with this cute 19 year old, haha.
and in reality, he doesn't.

oh well.
i will think of something.
besides thattttttt..

i still get butterflies whenever i talk to this one guy.
imisshim.
x10.
<3

She finally made it.

so she finally did it.
my mother is finally free.
she's off parole.
all her charges have been dropped.
nothing is on her record at all.
her lawyer said she could be a fucking cop if she wanted to.
LOL.
she kinda wants to work in the court systems.
that's funny.
but she can do it.
:)
i'm proud of her.
i'm happy she finally made it,
in time to be with my sister.

it just makes me wonder
if she did this
15 years ago,
how different my life would be.
you know?

i always used to watch the television show "gilmore girls"
and i ALWAYS wished my mother and me had that kind of relationship
cause come on
i was raised by grandparents.
my nana is amazing.
and i wouldn't trade anything for that.
but she is from a different time.
she's older.
she has different views.
i always used to wonder
if my mom were around,
since she was closer to my age,
what her views were,
what she wondered,
if we would ever be close like the people on gilmore girls.
lol.

me and my nana,
we are very close.
i tell her just about everything.
she's my hero.

i'm happy for my mother,
next time don't take to long.
xoxo

And like whores in bed.

it's totally the truth.
i want to be "woo'd".
i like being chased, pursued, wanted.
i like being treated like a princess.
the whole gentleman thing, hugeeeeeeeee plus.
but once that door closes,
and no one can see us,
totalllyyyy different story.
and you know it.
which isn't bad at all.
:)

E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g

you are the most incredible person i've ever met in my life.
and i am so lucky to have you as my best friend.
you just have like.. no idea.
i hung out with my bff stephen today.
i've missed him SO much.
and we just talked about everything.
everything.
e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
it was great.
it was like.. we were never apart.
he's seriously my other half.
i love him so much.
totally platonicly.
he's the most amazing person i've ever met.
and we've been through so much shit.
and so many people have taken advantage of us.
and we put up with it.
and put up with it.
and put up with it.
then we just stop.
and leave them behind.
and you know what?
they are STILL losers.
after all this time.
and where are we?
living our lives.
becoming something.
falling in love.
being spontaneous.
doing shit for no reason.
stephen and me.. i think we're fucking incredible.
and i do miss the old man.
when i see him again,
i'll give him a huge hug.
and probably cry.
i do miss him.
i hate him for what he did to you.
i will hate him for a long time.
but i miss him so much.
and i wish he never fucked up.
i want things to go back to the way they were.
it was incredible.
and stephen.
i learned tonight,
we are so close.
we shared things,
things that should never be spoken.
he's literally my other half.
i'm so lucky he's in my life.
he is the funniest,
most down to earth,
reliable,
crazy,
amazing person i've ever met.
i don't know if you read this,
but i do love you to death.
and if you EVER find that profile,
i'll die.
lol.
not really.
but still.
you are incredible.
i swear i'm coming back.
<3