BFF.

I miss you.
I miss you insanely.
It's crazy that i'm not near you anymore.
I really hate that i can't just drive, and end up at your house.
I really, really miss you.
You are like the other half of me.
And without him near, i feel like i'm incomplete.
You are amazing, and whoever can't see that, is a little fucker with no life.
Even though we're just best friends, you are my soulmate.
I love you as much as i can love anyone, even if it's platonic.
Stephen = Life.

I love you.
I miss you.
I'll see you soon.
xoxo

My good deed for the day.

i was at the store today,
because my sister is super sick.
she has been throwing up all day.
i sooo don't wanna catch that.
anyways,
i went to the store.
i got her some medicine.
i got her some crackers.
and some gadorade for the electrolytes.
i got myself some vitamin C tablets so i can keep my immune system up.

i was standing in line, and there was this elderly woman in front of me.
she had a lot of groceries in her basket and couldn't bend very well to get them.
i asked her if i could help her, and she was very happy about them.
as it was ringing up, she asked me why she was there, and where she was.
i was like.. you just went shopping for food at ralph's.
the lady at the cashier told her the total,
so she got out her credit card.
she didn't know how to use the machine very well.
and the bagger and cashier lady were getting impatient.
so they did it for her.
i thought it was so very rude.
when it came to my turn, about 15 minutes later,
i paid for my items, and quickly found her again.
she forgot how she got there.
i asked her if she drove.
and she said no.
i asked her if someone dropped her off.
and she said yes.
i asked her who, and she said the taxi cab.
i offered to call her another cab because she refused to let me take her where she needed to go.
so i called her the cab, and waited with her until it came.
i learned her name was Dorothy.
her husband passed away about 5 years ago.
she has 4 grown children and about 15 grandchildren.
throughout the conversation,
every so often,
she asked me who i was.
and where she was.
and why she was outside.
it broke my heart.
once the cab came, she forgot where she lived.
i asked her if i could see her drivers licence,
so i told the cab driver to go there.
i hope she got there alright.
i really wish her the best.

before she left, she said "thank you for standing with me in this awful weather, and thank you for the great conversation"

it brought tears to my eyes to see her like that.
she's all alone.
obviously going insane,
and losing her mind slowly.
and no one is there to help her.
if someone was there to help her,
they would have been there in the store with her.
and not made her take a taxi to get there.

i think i could be an amazing nurse.
i feel it's my calling.
i want to help people.
in all kinds of circumstances.

i wish her the best.
xoxo

I cried the whole way here.

i cried the whole way here.




it's not that i literally,
just left my home..

it's that i really disappointed people i love.
i love my nana.
i would never hurt her.
i'd stand up for her if she were wrong.
i'd take a bullet for her.

when i left this morning, she cried.
she said i was abandoning her.
she said i was going to ruin my life.
she said that.. her home, wasn't my home anymore.
she asked for the key back.
but then said i could keep it, if i called in advance to tell her when i was visiting, if i was visiting.

why the fuck wouldn't i visit?
i'm ALREADY homesick.
it's been less then 24 hours.
i need to go HOME atleast once a month.
i need to see her.
i need to see if she is okay.

it was weird.
my grandpa walked me to my car before i left,
and he hugged me,
and he said
"i'm sorry i'm such an asshole all the time which is making you leave"
and he looked at me with tears in his eyes
and he went inside.

i cried the whole way to palm springs.
i've disappointed them.
i've hurt them.
i've betrayed them.

i don't know how i disappoiinted them.
i don't know how i hurt them.
i don't know how i betrayed them.

i'm doing this for me.
i needed to think about myself for once.
and they didn't miss a beat, letting me know that.

i love my nana.
and i wish one day she will forgive me.
xoxo

Goodbye Arizona, Hello California<3

goodbye, arizona.
hello, california<3



i'm finally leaving.
ever since i moved to arizona,
i've wanted to go back to california.


since i've been in arizona,
i've gained friends.
lost friends.
loved.
lost.
didn't care.
cared too much.
smiled.
laughed.
cried.
felt like i was going to die.
put up with shit i should have never put up with.
made a difference in certain people's lives.
met some amazing people.
met some not so amazing people.
had so much fun i didn't want it to end.
felt so bad i wanted it all to end.

all in all,
it's been a good 5 years.
i've had my ups and downs.
but overall, it's been alright.

i'm leaving behind all the drama.
i'm leaving behind all the betrayal.
i'm leaving behind all the negative.

honestly, i'm done with it all.
this chapter in my life is over.
and i'm starting a new one.

yes, i'm going to miss stephen.
but honestly,
i don't want to even talk to anyone else.
he is the only one worth it.
and i'm going to miss him insanely.
but the thing about leaving him here is that..
he won't forget me.
he won't replace me.
he will be there when i return.
and i will never forget him.
and i will never replace him.
and i'm always around if he needs me.

of course, i'm visiting once a month.
can't go too long without seeing him.
but i'm leaving.
and i'm never looking back.
this is the right thing to do.
it's the best decision i've made in awhile.
and i'm proud of myself.

no more gossip.
no more lies.
no more betrayal.
no more friends letting me down.
no more heartache.

i'll have the road infront of me tomorrow.
the long road, the desert.
and i'm gone.
i'm not even stopping.

yes, i'm going to miss arizona.
but as i said before, that chapter in my life is over.
and i hope others make the same drastic decision to start a new chapter in their lives.

i love you.
i'll miss you.
i'll see you soon<3
xoxo

<3

i hate you.
i love you.
i miss you insanely.
xoxo

Single doesn't always mean available.

it's true.



you can be single all you want.
but it doesn't matter.
it doesn't change anything.

sometimes you are a mess.
sometimes it's the wrong time.
sometimes honesty hurts.
sometimes you have other plans.
sometimes you're not over someone.
sometimes you can't move on.
sometimes you want to tell the world to just fuck off for a little bit.
sometimes you just don't care.
sometimes they are too far away.
sometimes it's impossible as of now.
sometimes life happens, and there is nothing you can do about it but wait it out and pray the outcome is to your liking, which it might not always be.

you can flirt all you want.
but it won't change the fact,
single doesn't mean available.

saying "hi beautiful"
or "i want to see your adorable face"
or "just be with me"
or "you are always cute"
or "maybe i want a mess"
or "i'll be your clean freak"
or "i'd never hurt you"
or even "i love you"

it doesn't matter.
i may be passing up a chance.
at something.
i don't even know what.
but it doesn't matter.

single doesn't mean available.
not yet.
not right now.

and as much as a flirt with someone
and as much as i want to be with him
and as much as he is out of my reach
i will always remain the best friend.
always.
9 hours in the future, is a lot.
it's far.
and every single time
he says he is going on a date
or likes some cute girl
i will think
in the back of my mind
"i wish that were me."

every
single
time.

i refuse to be the slut this time.
i refuse to do it.
i am better than that.
and i know it.

i can't just get over shit, just like that.
i need to become brave again.
i need to take chances.

i do not put myself out there.
i haven't for awhile now.
and it's good for me.
it keeps me un-attached.
it keeps me sane.
it keeps me.. safe.

this is all honesty.

but one day,
i'll be out there again.
i'll attach myself, slowly.
i'll be vulnerable, but excited.

i do not wish to be hurt again.
at this time.
so stop.

ily.

i'm insanely jealous.
xoxo