She's left me speechless.

You are the reason i'm alive.



I was told a story two days ago, and again today when i brought it up.
I was talking to my mother about something that happened.
I don't remember it happening.
But it was the key point in my mother's life.
And she says it haunts her to this day.



Me : i just wanted to let you know, i was very emotional today. You kept on telling me you were so happy that you had your family back.. and i got upset. That's why i left for a bit to smoke and clear my head. I was SO upset with you. I'm not lecturing you, but.. why couldn't you have got your shit together when i was little?
Me : I'm all grown up now. Why couldn't you be my mother when i needed a mother?
Me : Nana was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. She gave me a life. She dropped everything to take care of me and gave me the world.
Me : Where were you?

Mom : I wanted to keep you, but i couldn't.
Mom : the day before i gave you up, still haunts me to this day.
Mom : I was in the bathroom around 2 in the morning, and i thought you were asleep.
Mom : I grabbed my needle and i decided i was going to get high before you woke up.
Mom : I was shooting up, and you walked in.
Mom : I was screaming at you, telling you to get the fuck out and telling you i never wanted you.
Mom : You just stood there.. you were only 4 years old and asked me "Mommy, is that your medicine? are you sick?" and you came up to me and hugged me.
Mom : I had a needle sticking out of my arm and you loved me besides that fact.
Mom : I threw you out of the bathroom and told you to go back to bed.
Mom : I knew right then, i needed to give you up.
Mom : and that's all i remember. I woke up, and you were gone.



When my mother was telling me this story, i couldn't even remember this.
I didn't ever know this happened.
I was four, but i remember lots of things that happened before this.
I guess i blocked it out.
I am scared to death she will go back on drugs.
She says she is doing good this time, but honestly,
how many times have i heard that before?
I didn't talk to my mother for three years, and just recently started to talk to her again.
And we've become to get close again, i'm starting to trust her.
But whenever i do that, she fucks up again, and i lose her.
I can't lose her again.
I can't do it.
I'm so scared she is going to go back to drugs.
I can't stand it.
I want it all to work out.
I want everything to be okay.
But i have such a bad feeling.
I have such a gut feeling that she is going to fuck up.
It makes me sick.
I want my mom back.
And i think she's going to break my heart again.

Anyways..
I got back to my Nana's today and i told her..
Me : You know i love you right?
Me : Thank you for always being there for me.
Me : Thank you for raising me right.
Me : I love you so much.
Me : Mommy told me the story of how you got me.
(so i told her what mom had told me, and she added to it)

Nana : Yeah, that's pretty much what happened.
Nana : Your aunt was living with your mom and you are the time, she called me and told me to come get you.
Nana : You wanted to talk to me so your aunt handed me the phone.
Nana : I will never forget what you said to me.. it broke my heart.
Nana : You said "Nana.. Mommy doesn't want me anymore."
Nana : And you just started to cry.
Nana : And it broke my heart.. i told you that i was coming to get you and loved you more than anything.
Nana : I got to the apartment.. and your mom was passed out on the couch. She was higher then i've ever seen her.
Nana : I grabbed some garbage bags, packed up all your clothes that were scattered around, got all your toys, and we left. And i never looked back.
Nana : At that exact moment, you were mine. And i knew i'd drop everything to take care of you. And i did. I dropped everything, and you were my world.
Nana : You are still my world, and i won't ever regret taking you.


My Nana gave me a life.
I was loved.
I was cared for.
She was there when i was sick.
She talked to me for hours if i had a problem.
She fucked up again who messed with me.
She stood up for me when she knew i was wrong.
She held me for hours if a boy broke my heart.
She just held me.
She cooked dinner for me and helped with afterschool programs.
She got me gymnastics, piano, horseback riding, and iceskating lessons.
She gave me presents on christmas.
She listened to me when i needed to vent.
She gave me her wisdom when she thought i needed it.
She protected me through it all.
She went trick-or-treating with me when no one else did.
She was my best friend when i didn't have any.
She was there for me, no matter what.
She'd jump infront of a bullet for me.
She still does all of these things, and won't ever stop.
No one asked her to take me in, she just did it.
No one asked her to give me a life, she offered.
She's been there from the beginning.. and she will never stop.
She's giving me so much love, and continues to give me love.
Without her, i don't know where i'd be.
Probably foster care.

She has had a hard life.
She was telling me about it while we were talking.
She has taken care of so many people during her life.
Great grandparents.
Grandparents.
Parents.
Childen.
Grandchildren.
She had bipolar, and has had a stroke.
She was talking to me tonight,
telling me she thinks bipolar people aren't capable of loving.
I told her, that's a load of bullshit.
Since she loves me so much.
And she said she didn't know.. she knows she has to take care of everyone all the time, and she thinks that's why she loves us.
So we got on the conversation of her hard life.
She really opened up to me.
I already knew all of this since she's told me through the years..
But seriously.
She is a survivor.
She has overcome SO much.
I told her she should write a book.

She is my hero.
As much as we disagree on things.
As much as we argue.
As much as we fight.
I love her more then anyone on this planet.
She gave me a life.
Statistically, i should be a drug addict, alcoholic, and gambler.
Because of her, i'm me.
She made me who i am today.
And i can't thank her enough.
You've left me speechless.


She means the world to me.
I love you.