I know that we are young, and i know that you may love me, but i just can't be with you like this anymore, Alejandro.

This is what we've become.
If you told me four years ago,
this is all it would be,
i wouldn't have done any of it.
but that's just a lie.
i would do all of it again.

you'd think i'd regret you.
you'd think i would think you are a mistake.

truth is..
i don't regret it.
i still don't regret it.
i don't think you're a mistake.

you drive me insanely crazy.
sometimes in a good way.
sometimes not.

i call you a jerk.
and you call me annoying.

but the second i get into town,
i have to text you.

i'm perfectly fine not being your girlfriend.
when i'm not around you,
and people aren't talking about you,
i'm fine.

but once i see you,
or someone mentions your name,
i get those butterflies,
allllll over again,
for no reason.
they just happen.

i listen to you talk about your problems.
mostly about girls.
mostly about a certain girl.
and every single time
you bring another girl up
i cringe.

i guess it's jealousy.
i don't want to admit it.
but..
i'm jealous.
when you're with me,
i don't want you talking about other girls.
i know i say i want to know,
and ask you to tell me what's new,
and tell you it's okay, i'll listen.
which is all well and good..
but i'm jealous.


when you're with me,
i know it's only for a short time..
and later,
you'll be with someone else.
or hang out with someone else.
but when you're with me,
it's you and me.

i really really really hated it when i came over,
then left,
then came back,
and she was there.
i hated you for so long.
i didn't talk to you for 3 months.
that was the longest time i've not talked to you,
since i was fifteen years old.
i'm nineteen now.

i know i'm just some crazy girl down the street,
but you once upon a time took interest..
in the crazy girl down the street.

you make me so mad sometimes.
but then,
you make me giggle like
a little school girl.
when i see you,
i can't help but give you a hug.
and when you give me that smirk,
that smirk i've grown to love,
i know what you're thinking.

i don't love you.
i'm not in love with you.
but it wouldn't be so bad if i were.

i know i'm not this
blonde hair'd,
blue eyed,
big boobed,
girl.

i'm me.
i'm not some model.
i'm not going to be.
i'm gorgeous in my own way.

so basically
if you ever read this
i will never hear the end of it,
but i don't care.
it's about time you knew anyways.

you are a jerk sometimes.
but then you're really sweet.
when i'm upset,
sometimes i run to you.
sometimes i just want to cuddle.
and just lay there.

but i have a pretty strong feeling,
the feeling isn't mutual.

the things you say,
sometimes it hurts.
sometimes the things you come up withbut,
i'm just like,
wtf? why would you even ask me that?
what were you thinking?
but i forgive you.
i don't know why i forgive you,
but i ALWAYS forgive you.
i can't stay mad at you.

once you give me your stupid smile,
i'm gone.
once you give me that look you have,
my knees are weak.
once you give me that bear hug,
i'm history.

the anger is over.
the hurt is gone.

and it starts all over again.

you only text me when you know i'm going to be in town.
you never ask how i am.
i should just stop texting you.
but then we'd never talk.
because you'd never just..
talk to me without an agenda.

i am NOT your little toy,
as much as you like to think i am.

i have feelings.
i have emotions.
sometimes i just want to punch you.
which i do.
because you deserve it most of the time.

you play games with me.
and it gets old.
and one day,
i won't be there.
and you're going to think,
"wow.. i missed out, fuck life."

one day,
i'll find some other
tall, dark, and handsome,
who treats me right,
and i'll forget all about you.

but for now..
i don't know any better.
and put up with it.
i play into it.
every
single
time.
not saying i don't like it,
oh i like it,
i just want more.
i'm greedy as hell.
and get jealous easily.
and i get clingy.
and you know it.
that's exactly why we could never be.
because i am exactly
the wrong type of girl you want.
and i know it.
and you know it.
and we play our little games.
and that's the end of it.
then it starts all over it.

maybe i do love you.
who knows.
i'm just some annoying girl, right?

i like the way you look at me.
i like how we can just joke around.
we've yet to hang out and not "play",
which is remarkable.
i snuck into your fucking house,
at fucking midnight,
when you're fucking parents were home,
because i missed you.
and i wanted to be held.
and we ended up doing other things.
but it still made me feel better.

sometimes we have these deep conversations.
yes, we're friends.
i can probably tell you anything.
and i'd like to think you could too.
but most of the time,
it's only about one thing.
one goal.
i'm not saying i don't like it,
but i want more.

i like how sometimes you get jealous.
because i always get jealous.
it's nice to know you do too.

i need to get over you.
this is ridiculous.
i'm so over you.
when i'm not around you,
i'm perfectly fine,
but that goddamn town ruins life.
i swearr.

you cheat on every girlfriend you've ever had,
with me.
i kinda like that though.
just saying.

i wish you knew.
i wish you opened your eyes,
and saw how good you have it.
sometimes when you're telling me about your chick problems,
i wish i could just say,
i'd never cheat on you.
i'd never leave you.
i'd never stop caring for you.
i'd never fuck up that bad.
i'd take your side even if it was wrong.
i'd be there when everyone else wasn't.
but i can't.
because you'd consider that..
"too affectionate"

i wish we would kiss again.
ever since your realization of
"too affectionate, no kissing"
i've missed it.
you used to make me see stars.
i'd lose track of time.
you're good at what you do,
i give you that.

it's not all about lust.
that is the truth.
even though that's all you see..
it's not all about that.

i don't know why i wrote this.
something you said today,
i was like,
okay yes,
i need to write something down,
gather my thoughts,
and now that i have,
i deleted it three times,
because you can find this really easily,
but i don't care.
i'm saying it.
it's out there.

i can picture you like..
becoming mad,
and angry at me,
furious, talking about "us",
annoyed that i'd think this,
annoyed that i'd write this,
i can see it.
i guess i'll just risk it.

the friends i talk to about this,
which is a very, very select few,
possibly two,
they want to literally,
kick your ass.
they keep telling me,
i deserve way better,
and i can find someone so much better then you,
but i compare EVERYONE to you,
and they don't compare.
they don't even come close.
and it sucks so much.
because sometimes i think i won't find anyone.
and it pisses me off,
because you have your head shoved up your ass
half the time,
and i want you to just think sometimes,
but i need to stop dreaming.
i need to stop living up in the clouds.
they are right.
i just don't want to admit it.

I can honestly say,
I'd rather have you in my life,
like this,
then not at all.


sometimes..






which is it going to be?