Fuck you.

you make me feel so bad about myself.
i usually don't feel bad.
but tonight,
right now,
i feel like a slut.

i'm an idiot.
seriously.
i'm such a fucking idiot.

i need to stop.
why don't you just leave me alone?
because i never say no to you?
that's all i mean to you?
well, you know what?
fuck you.
fuck you.
fuck you.

i was at my friends house.
and me and him, and our other friend were just hanging out.
and he told me a story while we watched a movie.
he was talking about how someone was mad at him.
and why.
and then i asked a question.
me : "why was he jealous when he still does hella stuff with me all the time?"
him : "i always wondered that so i asked his ex because he explained it to her. she said it was because when he couldn't get any from her, he would get it from you. and he would keep you in this little box when he didn't want you, then turn it back on again whenever he wanted"

..as i was texting him to see if he would come over too.

that statement really hurt me.
i mean,
i know he's an asshole.
i know it.
everyone knows it.
he uses girls more then anyone i know.
but for some reason,
that statement really hurt me.
but i didn't act like it did.
i was like, whatever, that's cool obv, im using him too.

he ended up coming over, then i had to drive my other friend home.
and on the way home,
he asked her for a blowjob.
idk jokingly or not, i think he was serious.
and i got really quiet.
and she was all..
"i don't think so, lulu might punch me again"
and i was like
"haha, yeah. i beat the shit out of you."
cause.. they fucked before.
and it hurt me then.
but i got over it.
i'm over it.
then all the way to dropping her off
he was all..
complaining that i'm jealous
and that i cockblocked him.

you know what?
i am jealous.
what the fuck did you expect?
just fuck with me for years
giving me all kinds of false fucking hope
keeping me in a fucking little box
then fucking with my emotions again?
seriously?
what the fuck.

after we dropped her off,
he insisted to say that we're fighting like we're dating
and then he was all
i can do whatever i want with whoever i want
because i am single and i can do whatever i want.

and he
actually
made
ME
feel bad.

god, i hate him sometimes.

and you know what i did?
i gave in anyways.
i fucking gave in.
and he got what he wanted.
and he left.
like usual.

and i feel like shit.
i haven't felt this bad in years.
i never let myself get like this about him.
because it's him.
and i shouldn't expect anything.

i'm going to have to see him tomorrow.
and i'm going to fucking give in again.
and again.
and again.
and again.




i get jealous.
and protective.
and territorial.
want to know why?
YOU MADE ME THIS WAY.
i don't want to hear about a girl you fucked.
i don't want to find out you fucked one of my best friends.
i don't want to hear you ask her for a blowjob.
i don't want you to ask me for a threesome with YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
i don't want you to ask for a foursome with our friends.
and i most certainly don't want to see you with anyone else.

we're not together.
we've never been together.
we're never going to be together.
i got it.
stop rubbing it in.

i haven't shed ONE tear for you in years.
and you know what?
all this finally got it me.
and i don't think i can handle it anymore.

why can't you just stop being a jerk
take your head out of your ass
and be with me.
be protective of me,
and not just because i hang out with someone else.
drop everything and come see me,
and stop wanting to hang out with me..
just because you can't get it from her.

fuck.