A dream, more of a specific memory.

crazyyyyyyyyyyyy dream.
like seriously.
it was so unexpected.
and totally random.
like, it happened when i was 15 or 16.
it's sooo weird to.
like a totally random moment.




so you and me met at my house.
and of course i gave you an otter pop.
and we walked to my bff's house, in that crazy 120 degree weather.
the whole way there we were just chilling.
no cares in the world.
kissing.
i remember you slapping my ass a lot.
then kissing more.
and arguing about how hot it was.
then we finally got my bffs house.
and he let us in.
and he was infront, and i followed him, and you followed behind.
we walked upstairs,
and i remember you grabbing my ass, and kissing my neck.
and my bff at the time had a CRAZY HUGE crush on me.
and he just kinda ignored it.
we were walking into my bff's room..
and you gave me those eyes.
those fucking eyes that i can never say no to.
and you just looked at me.
and pulled me in, and kissed me.
right there.
infront of him.
no hiding.
no nothing.
just kissed me.
and my bff just kinda was like.. okay guys lets keep this rated G.
then we were just chilling.
playing video games i think.
looking at his stupid wall paintings.
then for some reason my bff went into his closet
OH
cause we were joking like,
so fool, where is the p0rn?
and he was all.. OH MY CLOSET!
so he went into the closet,
then you closed the door on my bff.
and locked him in.
pulled me over to you.
pressed me up against the door.
and crazyyy kissed me.
one of those kisses that you don't forget.
the kind that makes your mind go blurry.
the kind that makes you lose time.
groping.
de-clothing.
crazy kind of kisses.
the best kind.
and all the time, the bff was locked in the closet.
we let him out like 3 minutes later.
and he was all like..
"what were you guys even doing?"
and i remember saying "i can't remember."
and you just looked at me.
with that stupid smirk you have all the time.
then we got bored.
and we left together.
you walked me home.
holding my hand.
then complaining it was too hot to hold hands
and kept slapping my fucking ass. lol.
because you knew you could.
and you didn't care.
so we got to my house.
and we were on the side of the house.
and you pushed me against that same wall.
and kissed me for real again.
that crazy light-headed kiss,
losing track of time,
lustful, intensely romantic and just pure sex kiss.
i don't know why i remember this.
i don't know why i had a dream about it.
i haven't thought about that moment,
probably since i was 16.
then you went home.
and so did i.
then i got a call from my bff.
and he wanted to chill again.
so he walked to my house.
and we were walking around the block.
and i wanted to go get you.
cause back then, i liked being around you.
not anymore really.
but he said straight out "why him?"
and i was like.. "because he makes me feel invincible."
"he makes me feel like i can fly."
and you know what he said?
he said "i could do better if you let me."
and he tried to kiss me.
and i pulled away.
and didn't let him.
and turned him down.
and that was the last day we ever talked.
he got back together with his girlfriend.
and he said that he couldn't talk to me anymore.
my bff.
because i didn't want to be with him.
thinking back now,
he was probably the most logical choice.
but he didn't give me that rush..
that rush, that need-you-so-much rush.
i never liked him like that, ever.
he was simply a boy, and simply a friend, a best friend.

it's SO weird i had a dream about that.
like out of no where.
for no reason.
i had to blog about this.
it's just so crazy.
because before this dream,
i didn't think about that moment for years.

now i'm pissed off.
i can see those fucking eyes,
staring at me.
those eyes i can't say no to.
fucking staring at me.
with that lustful crazy look.
i hate remember shit like that.

it's over,
it's done,
and i dream about it?
pshhhh.

i'm chill.
:)

i honestly think he was genuinely interested me back then.
then something changed.
but i don't want to give credit to him, when no credit is due.
he deserves nothing.
sure,
thanks for making my highschool years pretty great.
then pretty suck-ish.
sure,
thanks for giving me those mind-blowing kisses and everything else that happened.
experiences in life are chill.
but you are still pathetic.
and if i see you,
i'll turn aronud and walk the opposite direction.

xoxo

Let me in on the secret, okay?

you are difficult.
you make me so mad sometimes.
i don't know what you want.
and you don't give any hints.

i don't text you a lot anymore.
maybe once every few days.
it seems you text me more,
when i don't text you.
it's interesting.

i try not to think about you a lot anymore,
because i know it's not going anywhere.

but when you do talk to me,
i still get those butterflies in my stomach.
so obviously, you still got it.

today you texted me,
and you said you had a bad day.
first instinct : call you & see if you are okay.

but i didn't do that.
cause i know you hate talking on the phone.
which is pretty lame btw.

i miss you.
but not as much as i used to.

i would mind just.. being with you.
and fuck everything else.

i've done things for you.. that i've never done before.
for anyone.
and if they would have asked me,
i'd be like..
"ha, yeah. sure. fuck you."

it's not even about the sex.
well, it's nice.
you know what i like.
that wall is down.
downdowndown.
i like knowing that you know what i like.

you got into my head.

i don't even know what i'm saying.
but i know this, i miss you.

i miss your stupid smile.
and the way you ignore me for your stupid computer games.
i miss your bed and how i want you next to me.
i miss that stupid nickname you always used to call me.
and i miss how i had to ask for things.
i miss you being in control, then kissing me.
i miss saying no, but really meaning yes.
i miss not knowing what was going to happen.
i miss your cute accent.
and i miss kissing you on the cheek, which always ended up on your eye cause you move your stupid head.
i miss it all.

give me a hint, okay?
xoxo

You'll be happy again.

you were happy once before.
you'll be happy again.


i love you.
but, i'm scared for your safety.
you don't know what a person is like.. when they are on those types of toxins.
he is sick.
he needs help.
you are just starting your life.
you have an amazing job.
you are starting college soon.
your life is happening, his isn't.
he is going back to old ways,
and he just got back from where he's been.
i'm scared for you.
i don't want him to pull you down.
drain you.
and possibly abuse you.

i love you.
but you need to kick him out.
he needs to help himself.
maybe losing you, will help him.
losing you might have that little lightbulb i know he has in his brain, go off.
and it might tell him he is losing you and needs help.

i am always here for you.
if you were straight, i'd totally marry you.
you are handsome.
and beautiful.
and any guy will be lucky to have you.
you are an amazing person.
you deserve the world.
and he isn't it.

it will take a bit to get over him.
you may never get over him.
but once you find somebody else, that treats you right,
you'll realize he was an awful person.
and you deserve better.
and you will find somebody else.
you have so much love to give.
you'd give it all if you could.
you are someone that will do great things.
and i'm glad i know you.
you make me want to do better.
you make everyone want to do better.

you like to help people.
so do i.
so i know how it is.
but, this guy is taking advantage of you.
he is fucking up.
and he doesn't even care.
i love you.
please make the right decision.
xoxo

I still want my band shirt.

hmm..
so last blog was pretty deep.
totally over that, actually.
you want to know why?
shit happens.
people hurt you.
move on.
it's as easy as that.
:)

it's time to live again.
it's time to be happy.
it's time to giggle like you are in the 10th grade.
it's time to not be so afraid.
it's time to not be so paranoid that you'll see someone.
it's time to get out of that fucking comfort zone and do things.
today was a lot better.

besides all of that,
you are the ONLY guy.. not even a guy. you are definately a man.
you are the ONLY man i would ever let wake me up at 4 in the morning.
anyone else, i wouldn't even answer.
you are also the most attractive man i've seen in my life.
you are also the kind of man that doesn't care much.
but i kind of like it that way.
it keeps me safe.
knowing upfront that you don't care much,
is really good.
you may later, but knowing this is good for me.
i've known you for a year now.
i used to have the bigggggest crush on you.
like those crushes you get in elementry school?
that kind.
but now, it's different.
now, i genuinely like talking to you.
you are definately defined as lust.
you are the definition of lust.
everything about you, makes me just want to fuck you.
all day.
all night.

i do genuinely care about you i think.
i know my last post was all about totally not knowing what love is.
this isn't love.
i care what happens with you.
it's a definate start.

you do not trust anybody.
i do not trust anybody.
you do not commit to anything.
i do not commit to anything.
it works.

you have the most incredible laugh.
and you have the most incredible voice.
i may not like your choice in music,
which is basically your life,
but i do listen to it when you send it to me, because i like knowing stuff about you and your life.
i do like your art.
you are very good.

i like when you call me really late
and your voice gets all deep
and i totally know if you are horny or tired.
you like the same things i do.
like, exactly.
and that is complete lust.
but i also like when you fall asleep while still on the phone.
you SO snore.
don't fucking lie.
i hear you, fool.
but it's really cute actually.

i've never written about you in my blog ever before.
i am not looking for anything.
i am not getting my hopes up.
you are too good for me, for my standards.
seriously, you are too good.
i can't compete with the type of girls you look at.
but you do you look at me.
and talk to me.
and i don't know why.
i don't think you like me in that way,
but who knows?
that would be pretty chill if you did.

i like that we can hold a conversation,
for hours.
unlike other guys i talk to,
i can't keep a conversation with them.
i get bored.
you never bore me.
ever.

you are viciously cute.
in more ways than one.
yes, you are the sexiest guy i've ever laid eyes on.
but, you are also a totally dork sometimes.
you joke around a lot.
we make fun of everyone.
you have a personality.
you inspired me to write this blog.
you are funny.
you are sweet.
you make me laugh.
and i like talking to you.

this may not go anywhere,
i'm not expecting anything,
but i am saying i like talking to you.
i genuinely enjoy anything to do with you.

you hide behind your looks.
you don't give yourself enough credit.
you are beautiful.
you are smart.
you are a smartass, lol.
you are cocky.
you don't trust anyone, because you don't want to be hurt.
you talk about your dick a lot, but rightfully so.
you score a 11 in that catagory.
you think you are hot shit.
and you are.
but it's an act.
confidence is very sexy.
but i like that i know things about you.
i like that you share secrets with me.
i like your stories,
and how dumb you are. lol

i'm infatuated by you.
i don't even know why you are talking to me.
and i don't know how long you'll talk to me,
we dont' talk for months at a time,
but when we do,
we do.

this entry got pretty long.
my bad, gangstur.

i was going to use a picture of you,
but maybe i don't want you seeing this blog,
and maybe i don't wanna share.

ps-- i still want my band shirt.
signed.
so i can wear it to bed and to the grocery store. :)
xoxo

I don't know what love is.

i don't know what love is.




i've realized something.. kind of recently.
i'm destructive.
i don't trust anyone.
and i don't know what love is.
my mind is so warped.
i'm seriously fucked.
it's really bugging me.

i don't know what love is.
i've never had it.
i don't know what it is.

if a guy flirts with me,
i flirt back.
i take this as a sign of liking me.
if a guy wants to fuck,
i fuck.
but that's not liking anybody.
that isn't love.
not even close.

but i've realized, that's what i do.
i don't know what love is.
it scares me.
i'm destructive.
i ruin good things.
and i do it often.

lately,
for a few weeks now..
a guy has been talking to me.
i have never met him.
i put up my wall, and that's where it will stay.
it's not coming down.
not even close.

he calls me beautiful.
he says he is very interested in me.
he wants to meet me.
he hasn't talked about sex.
he hasn't mentioned his dick.
he says i'm amazing.
he says.. i'm gorgeous.

he asked me when he can visit me.
and i said never.
and he thought i was kidding.
i wasn't kidding.

and it's really mean of me.
i don't even like him.
he may be attractive,
but i don't like him like that.
he asks me if i miss him,
and i say no.
and he thinks i'm kidding.
i really DON'T miss him.
he txts me all day.
how can i miss someone who txts me all day?
that's totally mean of me.
like, really mean.
i don't like him like that.
he says "im playing hard to get"
i
do
not
like
him
like
that.
how much clearer can i be.

he is too nice.
too caring.
too affectionate.
makes it a fact to call me everyday.
makes it a fact to ask me about my day.
makes it a fact to call me beautiful everyday.
makes it a fact to say he misses me. every single day.

yes, i want guy like him.
but he bores me.
i get bored.
not many can keep my interest.

i'm not used to that.
i'm fucking destructive.
i hate this feeling.
i hate being afraid.
it's so fucking stupid.

i wish i was fearless again.
i wonder if i'll ever be again.
xoxo

Criminal Justice.. I think yes.

woooooooooooo.
northern arizona university is NO MORE.
fuckers.
lol :)

university of phoenix?
totally just applied.
someone called me within like 2 minutes.
financial aid is happening.
totally transfering.
like that fast.
crazy.
& most of my 31 credits transfer?
totally down for that too.

down sidee.. need to comeplete the AA program online.
only need like a science credit
and a history credit.

then i can take all my other classes on campus,
cause the CRIMINAL JUSTICE program is only offered for a BA
and i need the AA for the pre-reqs.
cause i wanna be a PAROLE OFFICER.
watch out bitches,
i'll be a badass.
my mother needed a numerous parole officer for like.. 15 years.
i can handle this shit.

sooo.. not so bad. :)
psychology is no more.
criminal justice is in.
oooo and my psychology credits can transfer
for a minor
in my criminal justice degree.
nice.

andddd..
i still get all of this
and i even failed a semester of college?
crazy.
oh
oh
oh.

my gpa
gets wiped clean.
and the new gpa i'll be getting
will be the classes that transfer
that i got a C or above
soo..
no more 1.8 gpa?
nice.

that is my inspiration today :)
i hate college.

I'm back, bitches.

update :


back home.
sneaking cigs.
chilling with friends.
going out.
but never going out.
atleast not in this town.
it's weird being back.
i mean.. i love being back.
i missed so many people.
and i didn't miss some of them at all.

it's like.. good and bad.
but not even bad.
just kinda like.. the same.
that doesn't even make sense.
but you can decipher it later.

this is the summer that things are going to happen.
this is the summer i'll be fearless again.
don't you miss those days?
not being afraid of shit?
this is the summer.

step one : get a job in town.
watch out bitches, i'm back.

step two : chill with people as much as i can.
time to have some fun again.

step three : make some new friends.
time to meet some cool kids.

step four : transfer colleges.
ASU? maybe. i'm thinking more of a trade school though.

step five : fall in love.
let's put this shit behind us, and be fearless again.

i'm excited about this summer. :)
my classes end on friday.
and after that.. watch out.
i'm back.
xoxo