I don't know what love is.

i don't know what love is.




i've realized something.. kind of recently.
i'm destructive.
i don't trust anyone.
and i don't know what love is.
my mind is so warped.
i'm seriously fucked.
it's really bugging me.

i don't know what love is.
i've never had it.
i don't know what it is.

if a guy flirts with me,
i flirt back.
i take this as a sign of liking me.
if a guy wants to fuck,
i fuck.
but that's not liking anybody.
that isn't love.
not even close.

but i've realized, that's what i do.
i don't know what love is.
it scares me.
i'm destructive.
i ruin good things.
and i do it often.

lately,
for a few weeks now..
a guy has been talking to me.
i have never met him.
i put up my wall, and that's where it will stay.
it's not coming down.
not even close.

he calls me beautiful.
he says he is very interested in me.
he wants to meet me.
he hasn't talked about sex.
he hasn't mentioned his dick.
he says i'm amazing.
he says.. i'm gorgeous.

he asked me when he can visit me.
and i said never.
and he thought i was kidding.
i wasn't kidding.

and it's really mean of me.
i don't even like him.
he may be attractive,
but i don't like him like that.
he asks me if i miss him,
and i say no.
and he thinks i'm kidding.
i really DON'T miss him.
he txts me all day.
how can i miss someone who txts me all day?
that's totally mean of me.
like, really mean.
i don't like him like that.
he says "im playing hard to get"
i
do
not
like
him
like
that.
how much clearer can i be.

he is too nice.
too caring.
too affectionate.
makes it a fact to call me everyday.
makes it a fact to ask me about my day.
makes it a fact to call me beautiful everyday.
makes it a fact to say he misses me. every single day.

yes, i want guy like him.
but he bores me.
i get bored.
not many can keep my interest.

i'm not used to that.
i'm fucking destructive.
i hate this feeling.
i hate being afraid.
it's so fucking stupid.

i wish i was fearless again.
i wonder if i'll ever be again.
xoxo