I miss the old you.

update :


you finally did it.
you called me.
crying your heart out.
"lauren, it's over. i can't take this"
"i can't be with him"
"i can't do this"
"lauren, i love him so much, i can't do this"

i was so proud of you.
i was so worried about you.
i was scared for you.

you were finally fed up with his shit.
you put yourself first.
you grew up.
you said one more time he does that, and it's over.
and that's just what you did, you told him it was over.

i was so proud of you.
and something happened.
i didn't talk to you for maybe 24 hours.
i thought you needed to work some stuff out.

..and you took him back?
you let him stay?
after everything he has done to you? and to everyone?

he has went back to pills.
over you.
he has cursed out YOUR MOTHER.
he has cursed out YOU.
he has cursed out ME.
he says it's all our fault.
not his.
our fault, until he got minorly off the pills and accepted responsibility.
but did it go through? no.
he's not in rehab.
he didn't do anything.
he's still in your brand new apartment,
which i haven't even fucking been in yet.
BECAUSE I CAN'T COME OVER.
BECAUSE HE IS THERE.

you swore to me, this was the last time.
you swore to me, if he did this again, you'd leave him.
he is hurting you emotionally.

and what do you do?
you keep him.
for what?
for love?
this isn't love.

if this was love, you wouldn't be afraid of him.
you could talk freely.
you could do what you wanted.
i could come over.
he is keeping you from your friends.
he is keeping you from your FAMILY.

how is this so hard to comprehend?
he is dragging you down.
and i am not there to stop it.

i stopped it once.
im still here for you.
but when you call me crying
saying he did something else
im not going to be sympathetic.
im not going to care.
yes, i care for you.
but this is all you now.

you chose this.
even after EVERYONE has told you this is the wrong road to go down.
you chose this.
now live with it.

i give it not even a week till somehow he gets high again.
i give it not even a week for you to cry over him again.
and when you come to me
in a panic
crying
saying he did this and this
i will not be surprised.

i think what you are doing is ridiculous.
you asked me if i think you are dumb,
damn right i think you are.

i love you.
i am your best friend.
but this is going to pull us veryyyyyy far apart.
i don't ever want to lose you,
but i can't deal with this.

i can't keep hearing you cry on the phone to me
i can't keep giving you advice to get rid of him
i can't keep worrying all the fucking time about you
it's making me sick

HE IS A MONSTER.
he has no respect for you.
your family.
your friends.
no one.

and he'll do it again.
and i will NEVER
EVER
forgive him for this.
for any of this.
i will never forgive him.
and if you stay with him,
i will continue to hate him.
i don't want to be anywhere near that fucking wetback.

he hurts you
over and fucking over
and you keep on taking it.
over and fucking over.

im not only afraid for your emotional safety
i am afraid he will fucking physically hurt you.
you do not know what a person will do ON DRUGS.

i want so much for you.
i want you to be happy again.
i miss the old you.
the old you that knew that this is all bullshit.
the old you that KNOWS what mistakes you are making.

what if this were me.
what if i was in a ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
someone who treated me like this.
someone who treated my family like this.
someone who treated you like this.

what would you do?
what would you say?

you would not be supportive.
you'd be like "bitch wtf are you thinking, dump his sorry ass and call the cops"
that's what you'd say.
you'd fucking KILL a guy if he ever did this to me.
you'd fucking KILL him.

that's how i feel.

i miss having fun with you.
when was the last time we just had fun?
without all the drama
without all the shit
without all the conversations about the fucking wetback,
do you even remember?
i sure as hell don't.

i love you.
and i miss you.
and if this is the life you are choosing,
taking care of a 33 year old drug addict who has no respect for anybody, including you,
then go for it.
no one is stopping you obviously.
because we are tired of it.

xoxo