Someday when i stop loving you.

truth;
i'm afraid i'll never be put back together.



that so scares me.
will i ever feel that way again?
will i ever take risks again?
will i ever love someone that much ever again?

i'd hate it if i wasted it just on him.
i don't want it to be wasted.
but, it was wasted.

tonight,
i don't know why tonight,
i don't know why..
i don't know why.

tonight just got to me.
for some reason, it got to me.
it got to me bad.
like, it usually doesn't.
but tonight,
tonight i want to wrap myself in my blanket,
get in bed,
and just cry.

how fucking stupid is that.
i feel like crying.

mind you, i don't cry often.
but when it comes to you,
i don't even know.

i miss you too much.
and you are so bad for me.

what happened?
everything was going alright.
i was living with your decisions.
i was living with being second.
i was okay with it.
then one day..
i wasn't.
i didn't want to be second anymore.
then it all fell apart.
because i wanted to be first.
and i lost.

i'm okay.
i just want that feeling back.
not necessarily with you,
just that feeling back.

enough of this.
i'm done with it.
i'm just being ridiculous.
by the way,
it's not okay.
you don't deserve that.
i will kill him if he does it again.
death.
you are too amazing to be dealing with that.
he doesn't deserve you,
if he thinks that what he is doing to you,
is alright.
because it's not.
it's not okay.
don't think it is.
don't be like.. "its not that bad."
because it is.
xoxo

I will never leave you.

i love you.




best friend.
my very best friend.
my handsome,
my smart,
my entertaining,
my trustworthy,
my truthful,
my gaga-obsessed,
best friend.

you my friend..
you are the best thing that ever happened to me.
i'm not even lying.
you are seriously my other half.
i can't even put it into words.

i like how we have crazy conversations,
and all of a sudden,
they are hella silly.
then they are hella serious.
then we laugh at something silly,
and it's just perfect.

i'm glad you can tell me the truth.
when i ask you, if you are okay,
and you say yes,
and i say,
don't lie to me.
you tell me straight up,
what's going on inside that head of yours.
you spill it.
and i listen.
i love that.

and i love that you know when something is wrong with me.
you just know.
i don't know how,
i thought i hide it well,
but obviously, you catch it.

i know you miss him.
and i know you love him with all your heart.
all of it.
i know.
but you can't go back to him.
don't even talk to him.
don't see him.
if you do,
mark my words -- you will fall right back into that downward cycle.
you will be back at square one.
i promise you.
i am not here to lie to you,
and sugarcoat shit.
i'm here being a real friend,
telling you it's going to suck for a bit,
but you'll pull through it.
you are strong.
a much stronger person than i am.

and i know in the car,
when i said if you go back to him,
that i will leave you.
i can't ever leave you.
i can be mad as fuck at you.
i can hire people to beat his ass.
i can make HELL for you.
just to make you safer.
just to make you think.
i won't ever leave you.

i
will
never
ever
leave
you.

just don't make it difficult for me,
and go back to him when he gets "well"
because he won't be "well" for awhile.
thanks :)

besides that,
don't you think i miss him?
my satan?
yes.
i miss him everyday.
e v e r y s i n g l e d a y.
i want to just say fuck it somedays,
and give in.
and go right back to where i was.
but other days,
when i have my head on right..

"Don’t waste your breath with baby baby please, Cause I am so not listening. Don’t. bother getting down upon your knees and try to beg me. I’m tired of how you twist the truth. You’re not talking to the same girl. Who used to forgive you. That girl is long gone. Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away. Long gone. She’s not drowning in her yesterdays. Betcha never thought I’d be that strong. Well this girl is long gone"

other days..

"You had it all for a pretty little while. And some how you made me smile when I was sad. You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart. Then you realized you wanted what you had. I guess I should've been more like that. I should have held on to my pride. I should have never let you lie. I guess you got what you deserved. I guess I should've been more like her."

some days are better than others.
i genuinely wish you luck.

you asked me a question,
and i seriously almost cried for you.

you asked me if you will ever be fixed, because you are broken.
you asked me if you will ever be fixed, if it will ever happen.

i asked you if you thought i was fixed,
i'm still not fixed.
not entirely.
then i told you that one day,
when someone really loves you,
and you really love him back,
and he's not perfect,
you may fight and scream,
but nothing crazy big,
since you know, perfection doesn't exist,
he will find some duct tape,
and piece you back together.

i promise you one day, you will be okay.
you are not broken now.
you may be a little shook up,
but you are not broken.

i promise you one day, you meet someone,
and you're going to think,
why didn't i see this before?
this is how i'm suppose to be treated.

i love you.
with all my heart.
and i'd do anything for you.
when the day comes where we need to hide a body,
i'll be there :) lol
but you know what i mean.

i will never leave you.
and you can tell me anything.
just like you know every detail about me.

i'm here forever.
even when you don't want me to be.
you won't be alone,
i promise.
xoxo

It's not fair.

it's not fair.



i don't understand.
it's not fair.
it's not fucking fair.
seriously.
when am i going to be okay again?
i'm okay now.
but really.
when?
it pisses me off so bad.
that i still think about you.
it makes me so mad.
i don't want to.
i fight it as much as i can.
i try so hard.
stop fucking with me.
i'm a year older.
and i'm not taking your shit.

i may want to pin you up against a wall,
and i may want to rip those clothes off of you,
and i may want to fuck you senseless,
since obviously i enjoy being used,
but i'm not going to.

i can't go down that road again.
i can't do it.
i refuse.
i may want to,
but it takes all my willpower,
every single ounce,
not to.

and that's not fair.
it's not fair.

it makes me miss you so bad.
all of this, it makes me miss you.
and i DO NOT want to miss you.
i'm keeping myself busy again.
going out everyday.
getting my mind off of you.
but i still come home.
and i still can't sleep.
and i still think about you.
and it pisses me off.

i want to scream.
i want to throw everything.
i want to punch a wall.
because it's not fair.

when is it my turn?
when is it going to be my turn?
i've been through enough shit,
for something to work out.
i have.
i've fought.
and i've screamed.
and i've cried.
don't you think it's time for me to get a little back?
just something.
nothing monumental.
just something.

it's my turn.
and it's not fair.

besides that..
one of my best friend,
read ALL of my blogs.
from beginning to end.
best friend, i love you.
you seriously make life better.
i want to thank you for not judging me.
and thank you for being such an amazing friend.
seriously.
you mean so much to me.
and i know if i ever need any kind of help,
a shoulder to cry on,
a friend to chill with,
a friend to go crazy with,
a friend to rant and rave,
and a friend to help me hide the body,
you'll be there.
thank you.

xoxo

Promise me one day, guys won't all be the same.

i've come to a realization.



when is it going to be my turn?
you'd think if someone put so much effort into you, they'd stick around.
totally not the case.
that goes with relationships and friends.
it's like.. guys only talk to me if they need something.
i am not a slut.
i may want to be one because i'm tired of all the bullshit,
but i am most definately not a slut.
i don't sleep with a million guys.
i don't even mess around with a million guys.
but it's always something.
i am not used for your pleasure.
if you are going to work me all up,
and make me think that you genuinely like me as a person,
and make me think that you want something from me, idk, not involving sex?
that would be pretty nice.

i'm tired of it.
i'm tired of giving you pieces of me.
and once you are done with me,
i lose those fucking pieces.
i swear.
i trust less.
i avoid more.
it's not fair.

life isn't fair, right?
it's just frustrating.

i should be able to have my happy ending too.
everyone around me is getting fucking married,
and having fucking babies,
and moving in with their boyfriends,
and falling in love every single day,
and being so happy and shit,

i think it's time for me to get that too.
i'm not saying i want to get married,
have kids,
all that shit,
i'm just saying..

when is it my turn?
i've been through enough shit.
karma owes me.

i just wish a guy would sweep me off my feet,
and show me that every guy isn't the same.
is that really too much to ask?
i don't think so.

i'm just a fucking sexual fantasy.
like, seriously.
it's all totally chill in the beginning,
but it gets old.

sure, i'm down for pretty much anything.
i have a specific way about me.
i like specific things.
is that it?
because i like it different than normal girls?
like me for me, please.
xoxo

100th blog entry?!

100th blog entry?
holy fuck.



so i changed my layout and colors and pictures and stuff.
it's more me.
i like it :)
soo.. this is my 100th blog entry.
i feel i should say something profound,
or something intimate to me,
or something that will make you be like "wow",
but a good kind of wow :)

well.. i guess i might introduce myself again.
after 100 blog entries, i could be different.
i am different.

soo.. here goes bitches =)

My name is Lauren.
Everyone calls me Lulu.
I am 19 years old, still.
I'm turning 20 in august.
I'm getting really old :(
I still love the color hot pink and neon green.
I have no love interests.
I am playing the "okay well.. if you are around, sure, i'm down" kinda card.
If not, i'm not interested.
I'm not looking for anything serious.
I still don't trust anybody i'm "romantically involved in".
I still do shit for no reason.
Stephen is still my bff.
He is my other half.
No one knows about my blog irl, except him.
I think i'm going to advertise my blog e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.
I still love lightning bolts and dressing up.
I like looking pretty.
OH, i cut my bangs.
Now i have "bitch bangs" like the straight ones Lady Gaga has.
Yes, i still have a obsession with Lady Gaga.
I have switched Universities and Majors.
I am now at the University of Phoenix,
and my major is Criminal Justice.
I plan to be a PAROLE officer, not a PROBATION officer.
There is a difference.
I still consider myself a California Girl.
I still miss the beach like it's air.
I say chill, and hella.
NorCal & SoCal lingo? I guess so.
I'm still in Arizona.

i guess that's all i could think of :) lol
most important stuff since my first post,
i've been through some shit.
some fucking shit.
and i've lived through it.
i came out in one piece.
and i feel great.
i feel my fearless self coming back.

100th blog entry, i'll think of you again when i hit 200.
xoxo

I'm so proud of you.

don't worry, you will smile big again.




sooo.. wow.
longggggggggggggggggg weekend.
so much shit went down.
but now the drama is o-v-e-r.
thank god.

bff left him finally.
packed his pathetic shit up.
found REAL drugs.
called the cops.
kicked his ass out.
finally left him.
called me.
vented forever.
and is alive.

i'm so proud of you.
you didn't deserve all of this.
this isn't normal.
this doesn't happen to everyone.
i am soooooo proud of you.
i know it sucks.
and i know it hurts.
but you are a strong person.
you are amazing.
and handsome.
and you are going to find someone.
and he is going to love you back.
and not put you through this shit.
not cheat.
not lie.
not manipulate you.
not be a drug addict.
not steal from you.
not hate your family.
not hate me.
he's going to love you.

yes, you won't trust anybody for awhile.
yes, you need numerous rebounds.
yes, you will cry out of no where.
yes, you'll get through it.

you are an amazing person.
i don't understand why he took advantage of that.
i don't understand why he did this to you.
you didn't deserve this.
you are a good person.
even though you don't want to be,
you are not capable of being a shitty person.
you are a good person.
with a big heart.
too big sometimes.

i am here for you.
i will NEVER leave you.
i won't leave.

but just think.. you got through this.
and him? he's shit.
he is a piece of shit.
he needs to hit rock bottom.
and after losing you,
it will help him.
i'm glad he is detoxing.
it's painful as fuck, im glad he is in pain.
but he is getting help.

never speak to him again.
he is manipulative.
he manipulates you easily.
so very easily.

i love you.
and i promise you,
you will find someone again.
someone better.
you are a handsome man.
you are intelligent.
you are funny.
you are a smartass.
you are the most amazing person i've met.
and someone is going to see that.

oh, and it's okay to cry.
cry your fucking heart out.
scream.
throw things.
let it out.
it's not bad.
i promise.

you were driving me home,
and you asked me a question,
and it's kinda stuck with me,

you; do you still miss him?
me; every single day. i hate him. i want to punch him in his face.
me; but every single time i pass his stupid fucking house, i miss him.
you; is that going to happen to me?
me; yes. but it will fade.

when you have those days where you miss him,
or when you have those days you cry out of no where,
call me.
and i'll come.
xoxo

I miss the old you.

update :


you finally did it.
you called me.
crying your heart out.
"lauren, it's over. i can't take this"
"i can't be with him"
"i can't do this"
"lauren, i love him so much, i can't do this"

i was so proud of you.
i was so worried about you.
i was scared for you.

you were finally fed up with his shit.
you put yourself first.
you grew up.
you said one more time he does that, and it's over.
and that's just what you did, you told him it was over.

i was so proud of you.
and something happened.
i didn't talk to you for maybe 24 hours.
i thought you needed to work some stuff out.

..and you took him back?
you let him stay?
after everything he has done to you? and to everyone?

he has went back to pills.
over you.
he has cursed out YOUR MOTHER.
he has cursed out YOU.
he has cursed out ME.
he says it's all our fault.
not his.
our fault, until he got minorly off the pills and accepted responsibility.
but did it go through? no.
he's not in rehab.
he didn't do anything.
he's still in your brand new apartment,
which i haven't even fucking been in yet.
BECAUSE I CAN'T COME OVER.
BECAUSE HE IS THERE.

you swore to me, this was the last time.
you swore to me, if he did this again, you'd leave him.
he is hurting you emotionally.

and what do you do?
you keep him.
for what?
for love?
this isn't love.

if this was love, you wouldn't be afraid of him.
you could talk freely.
you could do what you wanted.
i could come over.
he is keeping you from your friends.
he is keeping you from your FAMILY.

how is this so hard to comprehend?
he is dragging you down.
and i am not there to stop it.

i stopped it once.
im still here for you.
but when you call me crying
saying he did something else
im not going to be sympathetic.
im not going to care.
yes, i care for you.
but this is all you now.

you chose this.
even after EVERYONE has told you this is the wrong road to go down.
you chose this.
now live with it.

i give it not even a week till somehow he gets high again.
i give it not even a week for you to cry over him again.
and when you come to me
in a panic
crying
saying he did this and this
i will not be surprised.

i think what you are doing is ridiculous.
you asked me if i think you are dumb,
damn right i think you are.

i love you.
i am your best friend.
but this is going to pull us veryyyyyy far apart.
i don't ever want to lose you,
but i can't deal with this.

i can't keep hearing you cry on the phone to me
i can't keep giving you advice to get rid of him
i can't keep worrying all the fucking time about you
it's making me sick

HE IS A MONSTER.
he has no respect for you.
your family.
your friends.
no one.

and he'll do it again.
and i will NEVER
EVER
forgive him for this.
for any of this.
i will never forgive him.
and if you stay with him,
i will continue to hate him.
i don't want to be anywhere near that fucking wetback.

he hurts you
over and fucking over
and you keep on taking it.
over and fucking over.

im not only afraid for your emotional safety
i am afraid he will fucking physically hurt you.
you do not know what a person will do ON DRUGS.

i want so much for you.
i want you to be happy again.
i miss the old you.
the old you that knew that this is all bullshit.
the old you that KNOWS what mistakes you are making.

what if this were me.
what if i was in a ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
someone who treated me like this.
someone who treated my family like this.
someone who treated you like this.

what would you do?
what would you say?

you would not be supportive.
you'd be like "bitch wtf are you thinking, dump his sorry ass and call the cops"
that's what you'd say.
you'd fucking KILL a guy if he ever did this to me.
you'd fucking KILL him.

that's how i feel.

i miss having fun with you.
when was the last time we just had fun?
without all the drama
without all the shit
without all the conversations about the fucking wetback,
do you even remember?
i sure as hell don't.

i love you.
and i miss you.
and if this is the life you are choosing,
taking care of a 33 year old drug addict who has no respect for anybody, including you,
then go for it.
no one is stopping you obviously.
because we are tired of it.

xoxo