1938-1994
James Richard Wade
You always loved the desert.
I still miss you to this day.
I think about you often.
I only remember glimpses of you.
I write you a letter, every year.
I know it's stupid,
but i make myself believe you can read it.
Just for one day.
I'm not religious in any sense.
But,
I do believe you are watching over me.
Laughing at my dumb mistakes.
Being proud of my good choices.
I believe that, 100%.
I don't remember much of you.
I used to remember how you smell,
but now i don't.
I do remember what you look like.
Exactly.
Your face,
your tattoos,
your necklace,
and how you held me.
I remember that.
I always wonder what my life might have been like,
if you didn't see that light in the darkness.
I've always wondered that.
I'm happy with the life i have,
i just wish you were in it more.
Recently,
I've asked my mom what you were like.
Since i only remember a few memories.
Well,
here is what i know, myself.
You loved the desert.
You were a hitman, literally.
A chef.
A restaurant owner.
Nickname was Lucky.
You had it tattooed on you.
You've been in prison before.
You were an alcoholic.
You were married for 25 years until you met my mother.
You really loved my mother.
You really loved me.
You had no kids but me.
I was the only one.
I was your.. "Baby Squirrel"
I was your pride and joy in life.
And i intend to make you proud.
I remember we used to live in this house,
in the middle of the desert.
With a shed outside.
And i was always so scared to go into it,
to go swimming, the one you bought me.
So i would always make you come with me.
I remember you used to cook for me.
Mainly sausage, haha.
I choked on a peppermint treat once.
You freaked out but handled it.
You wouldn't sleep without me.
Even when mom was gone doing her thing,
I'd always be next to you.
I was most definitely a daddy's girl.
Sometimes out of no where,
i smell something that reminds me of you.
And i stop for a second,
and try to figure out what it is,
but i never know what it is.
The only thing i have left of you,
is three pictures, and a doll.
I was suppose to get your necklace, rings, and possessions,
but your ex-wife never let me have them.
She stole from a four year old,
and now she died.
And now i don't know where anything is.
I'll never get it.
And it breaks my heart.
The times when i asked my mother what you were like,
she's tried to tell me.
but she can barely remember.
She says you always bragged you were part native american.
You loved to gamble.
You loved to cook.
You loved life.
You loved going on adventures,
You didn't care where you were going,
as long as you were going.
You were a great man, with lots of life experience.
You would take a bullet for me,
and never let me into harms way.
You really loved my mother.
She was your soulmate.
I visited my father's family the year i turned 18.
I always wanted to see them,
but never got the chance until i was having my own road trip.
I got the address from Nana, and drove.
I had a few of my friends with me,
I was terrified to go alone.
I don't remember them.
I drove up,
and parked across the street,
and just stared.
I remembered the big tree.
That's how i found it.
I remembered it very clearly, and there it was.
I was expecting to go there, and my dad's family not live there anymore.
I walked across the street to the houses,
and this man walked out.
He just stared at me.
..Then he said, "Lauren?"
I didn't remember him.
I said yes, I was Lauren,
And i was looking for Dessie, your sister.
He showed me the complex she lived in, in their houses complex.
I knocked on the door..
She answered and I asked if she was Dessie, she said she was.
I told her who i was, and she said she knew who i was.
She opened the door, and gave me the biggest hug.
By then, i was so crying.
I was told that she had died years before.
I was expecting to just see the place,
not meet the people.
She invited me in..
Sat me down.
And asked me about my life.
She made me family so quickly.
I also met Marie.
She's the one that wanted to adopt me, when you died.
She is a very nice lady, and it was weird.
She walked into the room,
and just hugged me, crying.
They told me about you.
They told me this one story,
You were in your 20s with your brother and sister,
near a lake.
You saw a canoe and was like
"Wait guys, I got this. I'm part Cherokee"
Then tried getting in, and it flipped over.
I laughed when they told me that.
You were a funny guy.
They gave me two pictures of you, all they had of you, to go with the one i had.
Then, i left.
They asked me to visit, but i haven't got up the nerve yet.
Nana always used to tell me how scared she was of you.
You had these crazy big hands,
and could hold me in one hand.
You were a big guy.
And manly.
Nana is scared of no one.
You must have made an impression.
I wish i knew more about you.
I wish i would have got to know you.
I know in my high school years,
it would have been nice if you were around.
So you could have given me your wisdom of life.
I just miss you.
When i was little,
i used to think you just went away.
How do you tell a 4 year old that her dad died?
I understood death, and when my Nana told me, i cried for 3 days.
And i wouldn't talk to anyone for 2 weeks.
I knew what it meant.
But when i grew a little older,
i wished you were still alive,
just away,
for some unknown reason,
and you'd come back.
But, it never happened.
I knew it wouldn't.
But, it was a nice thought.
You don't know how much i miss you.
I wish i knew you.
I wish so many things.
And every year,
on this day,
i write you a letter.
This year, this is your letter.
I love you.
I miss you.
I'll see you someday.
Love,
Your Baby Squirrel.
xoxo
