She's left me speechless.

You are the reason i'm alive.



I was told a story two days ago, and again today when i brought it up.
I was talking to my mother about something that happened.
I don't remember it happening.
But it was the key point in my mother's life.
And she says it haunts her to this day.



Me : i just wanted to let you know, i was very emotional today. You kept on telling me you were so happy that you had your family back.. and i got upset. That's why i left for a bit to smoke and clear my head. I was SO upset with you. I'm not lecturing you, but.. why couldn't you have got your shit together when i was little?
Me : I'm all grown up now. Why couldn't you be my mother when i needed a mother?
Me : Nana was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. She gave me a life. She dropped everything to take care of me and gave me the world.
Me : Where were you?

Mom : I wanted to keep you, but i couldn't.
Mom : the day before i gave you up, still haunts me to this day.
Mom : I was in the bathroom around 2 in the morning, and i thought you were asleep.
Mom : I grabbed my needle and i decided i was going to get high before you woke up.
Mom : I was shooting up, and you walked in.
Mom : I was screaming at you, telling you to get the fuck out and telling you i never wanted you.
Mom : You just stood there.. you were only 4 years old and asked me "Mommy, is that your medicine? are you sick?" and you came up to me and hugged me.
Mom : I had a needle sticking out of my arm and you loved me besides that fact.
Mom : I threw you out of the bathroom and told you to go back to bed.
Mom : I knew right then, i needed to give you up.
Mom : and that's all i remember. I woke up, and you were gone.



When my mother was telling me this story, i couldn't even remember this.
I didn't ever know this happened.
I was four, but i remember lots of things that happened before this.
I guess i blocked it out.
I am scared to death she will go back on drugs.
She says she is doing good this time, but honestly,
how many times have i heard that before?
I didn't talk to my mother for three years, and just recently started to talk to her again.
And we've become to get close again, i'm starting to trust her.
But whenever i do that, she fucks up again, and i lose her.
I can't lose her again.
I can't do it.
I'm so scared she is going to go back to drugs.
I can't stand it.
I want it all to work out.
I want everything to be okay.
But i have such a bad feeling.
I have such a gut feeling that she is going to fuck up.
It makes me sick.
I want my mom back.
And i think she's going to break my heart again.

Anyways..
I got back to my Nana's today and i told her..
Me : You know i love you right?
Me : Thank you for always being there for me.
Me : Thank you for raising me right.
Me : I love you so much.
Me : Mommy told me the story of how you got me.
(so i told her what mom had told me, and she added to it)

Nana : Yeah, that's pretty much what happened.
Nana : Your aunt was living with your mom and you are the time, she called me and told me to come get you.
Nana : You wanted to talk to me so your aunt handed me the phone.
Nana : I will never forget what you said to me.. it broke my heart.
Nana : You said "Nana.. Mommy doesn't want me anymore."
Nana : And you just started to cry.
Nana : And it broke my heart.. i told you that i was coming to get you and loved you more than anything.
Nana : I got to the apartment.. and your mom was passed out on the couch. She was higher then i've ever seen her.
Nana : I grabbed some garbage bags, packed up all your clothes that were scattered around, got all your toys, and we left. And i never looked back.
Nana : At that exact moment, you were mine. And i knew i'd drop everything to take care of you. And i did. I dropped everything, and you were my world.
Nana : You are still my world, and i won't ever regret taking you.


My Nana gave me a life.
I was loved.
I was cared for.
She was there when i was sick.
She talked to me for hours if i had a problem.
She fucked up again who messed with me.
She stood up for me when she knew i was wrong.
She held me for hours if a boy broke my heart.
She just held me.
She cooked dinner for me and helped with afterschool programs.
She got me gymnastics, piano, horseback riding, and iceskating lessons.
She gave me presents on christmas.
She listened to me when i needed to vent.
She gave me her wisdom when she thought i needed it.
She protected me through it all.
She went trick-or-treating with me when no one else did.
She was my best friend when i didn't have any.
She was there for me, no matter what.
She'd jump infront of a bullet for me.
She still does all of these things, and won't ever stop.
No one asked her to take me in, she just did it.
No one asked her to give me a life, she offered.
She's been there from the beginning.. and she will never stop.
She's giving me so much love, and continues to give me love.
Without her, i don't know where i'd be.
Probably foster care.

She has had a hard life.
She was telling me about it while we were talking.
She has taken care of so many people during her life.
Great grandparents.
Grandparents.
Parents.
Childen.
Grandchildren.
She had bipolar, and has had a stroke.
She was talking to me tonight,
telling me she thinks bipolar people aren't capable of loving.
I told her, that's a load of bullshit.
Since she loves me so much.
And she said she didn't know.. she knows she has to take care of everyone all the time, and she thinks that's why she loves us.
So we got on the conversation of her hard life.
She really opened up to me.
I already knew all of this since she's told me through the years..
But seriously.
She is a survivor.
She has overcome SO much.
I told her she should write a book.

She is my hero.
As much as we disagree on things.
As much as we argue.
As much as we fight.
I love her more then anyone on this planet.
She gave me a life.
Statistically, i should be a drug addict, alcoholic, and gambler.
Because of her, i'm me.
She made me who i am today.
And i can't thank her enough.
You've left me speechless.


She means the world to me.
I love you.

He calls me beautiful.

Stephen literally makes my life.
Before i met him, it was such shit.
I love him so much.
If he wasn't gay, we'd be married already.
I swear, he makes life better.

I love him hugging me.
I love him kissing me for no reason, out of no where.
Even if he kisses me on the lips which makes me scream.
And grabbing my hand all randomly.
I love it when he sings lady gaga at the top of his longs.
I love it even more when he does the ladygaga dance moves.
I love that i can come to him with anything.
And i can trust him to not tell.
I love how he is soooo protective of me.
I love how he will fuck anyone up if they fuck with me.
I love taking random pictures with him.
I love how he fakes orgasms for me.
I love that he can give me good advice, because let's face it, not everyone can do that.
I love how he calls me beautiful.
I love just laying on his bed with him, not talking.
I love making fun of you because you're from idaho.
I love being able to just joke around with you.
I love being so close with you.
I love talking about anything and everything with him.
I love pretending he is my boyfriend in public.
I love how people think i'm in love with him.
I might be.
But it would never work, obviously.

He makes me want to be a better person.
He makes me want to change things.
He makes me feel good about myself.
And he makes me feel beautiful.

I need you to know, i miss you whenever you aren't around.
I would be very happy if we just lived together.
So much easier.
I wish you were moving with me.
I'm still going to visit you, just like i'm away at college
but sometimes, i just need you.

You are my best friend, ever.
And i won't lose you.
And i know that.
Which makes me love you even more.

One day, we'll get married.
and just get boyfriends on the side.
<33333
I love you.
I'll always be here for you.
Always.

Fucking Faggot.

I can't stand the sight of you.
You make me SICK to my stomach.

Tonight, was the last night you'll ever see me.
And i was considering talking to you?
To see what you had to say?
I think NOT.
You are a pathetic, low life that needs to just go away.

When you opened the door, you didn't even know who i was.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS.
We were SO close, and you FORGOT ABOUT ME.
Because you were so high.
Nice xanax huh? Having fun taking 5 at a time, yes?

"
Xanax, a prescription medication, can prove to be physically and emotionally addictive. Prescribed for the treatment of anxiety disorders, there is a tendency for people to abuse this medication. Once Xanax abuse begins, side effects begin to show. These side effects may include:

■Muscle cramps CHECK
■Nausea CHECK
■Diarrhea
■Drowsiness CHECK
■Lack of coordination CHECK CHECK CHECK.
■Loss of appetite CHECKKKK.
■Loss of concentration CHECK CHECK CHECK. YOU FORGOT WHO I WAS. AND WHO YOU WERE. AND WHERE YOU WERE.
■Slurred speech CHECKKK. You couldn't even put a SENTENCE TOGETHER.
"

"•difficulty concentrating CHECKK.
•"floating" or disconnected sensation CHECKKK.
•depressed heartbeat
•depressed breathing
•excessive sleep and sleepiness CHECKKKK.
•mental confusion and memory loss CHECKCHECKCHECKCHECKCHECK."

Don't you EVER lay your hands on me again.
When i say no, i fucking mean no.
When i'm pushing you away,
DO NOT KEEP TRYING.
You're lucky i didn't knee you in the balls.
Then after you said when i was upset about you touching me
"are you fucking serious?"
"are you fucking serious!"

Well.. are you fucking serious?
Why would i want a hug from someone as pathetic as you.

If you EVER touch me again, i'll rip out your dick.
If you EVER talk to me like that again, i'll slit your throat.
If you EVER come near me ever again, you're life will be over.
If you EVER talk about me again, i'll make you eat your own tongue.

You need help.
You need to go away.
You are hurting EVERYONE around you.
Seeing you high as fuck tonight, made me hate you even more.
The things you said to me, are unforgiveable.


Next time i ask you to get out of my car,
you do it.
i don't care if you're high and "not feeling well"
you fucking get out.
and you DAMN WELL KNOW
the only fucking reason
i didn't pull your ass out of the car,
BECAUSE I COULD. SINCE YOU WERE SO HIGH.
is because of stephen.
there is NO OTHER REASON why i didn't punch your lights out.
i wanted to pull you out of my car, kick you in the balls, punch you till you fell, and leave you there. high. in the dark. and alone. WHERE YOU SHOULD BE.

I'm glad you're going to jail.
BETTER GET USED TO BEING IN A JAIL CELL.
And sleeping alone, you faggot.
I hope you get AIDS.

I better never see your face again, or apparently that will be the last day of your life. And you better bet your ass i can take your dirty mexican self.
Fucking low life.
You're 33 years old.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE TO TOGETHER YET.
You make me sick.


I hope your other half realizes that you need to go.
he knows.
he just feels bad for you.
he is smart.
and when you go to jail,
it's all over HUNNIE.
i'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES,
to make him leave you.

You are going to pull him down with you.
And i won't allow that.

I haven't ever admitted that i've hated anyone.
But, i truly hate you.
And to think, i was one of your best friends.
I trusted you with my life.
I don't trust ANYONE.
And i won't, ever again.
I won't make that same mistake.

You were right about one thing.
I am messed up.
BECAUSE I PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT
LONG ENOUGH.
AND IT'S OVER.
I made excuses.
I believed YOU instead OF MY BEST FRIEND.
I will never do that again.

You have lied to him.
You have lied to me.
Directly to my face.
You hide behind this false personality you have.
You put on an act.
It only lasts so long, eh?
You make him feel like shit.
Do you even know that?
You make him feel so bad about himself.
And all i want to do is punch you.
And what i witnessed today..
means that you are no longer even there.
you are just a body.
you're not there anymore.
and i hate that.
not because i feel for you,
but because it's hurting him, so very bad.
you're going to ruin him.
he's strong.
but not strong enough, why don't you just stop.
i can get over it.
i wasn't in love with you.
but him?
i don't know.
i wish i could just slap some sense into you.
but you're gone.
you're lost.
you're not coming back.
you're just a body.

You are nothing.
And when you go away,
life will be a lot better.


I feel a lot better after writing this.
=)
thanks for the inspiration, old man.






UPDATE : he took 37 pills, within two days. you do the math.

scottish love, yes?

Lol.

Me : lol, i love you so much. why can't all guys be like you?! i think you should educate the world one day, like, chris 101. guys are lame as fuck. =) help them.

Chris : LOLLLL.
Chris : that's easy.
Chris : get a tan.
Chris : stop being a dickhead.
Chris : make them have an scottish accent :)
Chris : that's the key.



God, i love this boy.. nevermind. he's so not a boy. he's a man. <3
Seriously.
He makes me think there is actual hope left in the world.
Guys are such assholes, all the time.
And he has NEVER been an asshole to me.
And he never will.
Want to know why?
Because he's Chris.

he gives me hope.
<3
xoxo

Ignorance is bliss, obviously.

I miss you.
You don't even know how much i miss you.
I miss texting you at all hours of the night.
I miss running up to you and giving you the biggest hug whenever i saw you.
I miss you calling me babygirl.
I miss how you didn't give a shit about anyone elses opinions.
I miss how you were so protective of me.
I miss just laying there with you, in silence.
I miss laughing at dumb shit with you.
I miss sending you dirty phrases in spanish.
I miss all of us just hanging out like nothing was wrong..
nothing was suppose to ever happen.
I miss how you always wore white.
I miss how your hair NEVER moved.
I missed being able to come to you whenever i needed.
I just miss, you.
Why did it have to end up like this?
I don't think i can ever trust you again, like i did before.
Even if we become friends again,
it will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind.

You know what i've realized lately?
We were all in a hotel room in california, and it was really early.
Everyone was sleeping but stephen, cause he was so excited about six flags, which is insanely adorable.
I got up, walking almost like i wasn't even awake,
climbed into bed with you,
and you just held me.
and we just layed there.
you just held me, no kissing, no seducing, no trying to catch a feel.
and we just layed there.
i even fell back asleep.

I haven't felt that safe, in years.
"Ignorance is bliss"


UPDATE : read "fucking faggot"
i regret ever writing this post.

Welcome to blog life, Lulu

I guess i should tell you about myself.
My name is Lauren.. but everyone calls me Lulu.
I have a complicated and drama filled life, which kinda sucks.
Even after all the times i've been hurt, i still believe there is good in people.
That may seem naive to you, but it's the truth.
I really do hate people.. and i don't trust barely anyone.
But, i want to believe that there are good people out there.
After all of the times people have let me down, i lost a little bit of myself slowly.
Every single time someone hurts me, i grow a little bit stronger.
I actually think everything happens for a reason, but it sucks when the things that happen, are shit.

I believe in love.
I'm such a hopeless romantic.. and i'll never stop.
I want the whole thing.
I want sleeping in his arms, waking up spooning with him, making coffee, having a quickie before work, or spending all day in bed. I want to hear sweet nothings in my ear, and get text messages that make me feel loved, throughout the day. I want it all.

As of now, i don't anything close to that.
I actually have a fucked up love life.
If you can even call it that.
You'll probably learn more about that later, because it crosses my mind frequently.

I love life.
I love doing shit for no reason.
I love laughing till i cry.
I love my friends, and yes, they are better then yours.
I love my fucked up love life.
I love lady gaga, she's my girl crush.
I love sleeping all day and staying up all night.
I love cuddling.. a lot.
I love texting, and do it way too often. i'm such a textaholic.
I love coffee and black tea.

Basically, this is me.
I'm fucked up.
I'm crazy.
I'll tell you the truth even though it may hurt you.
I'm not afraid of anyone.
I can handle myself, even if life gets hard.
I live for my friends.
I'll give you advice on shit, on a daily basis.

I'm just me, and i won't change for anyone.
Welcome to blog life, Lulu.





(I guess i'll just copy&paste my myspace about me.. it might let you get to know me better, fool)

My name is Lauren.
Everyone calls me Lulu.
I am 19 years young.
I have hazel/green eyes.
And my hair is dark red at the moment.
I’m attending NAU, on my second year =)
I’m going to be a sex therapist, lol.
I have two best friends.
One is in California, her name is Devyn Symone.
I know if I ever need her, she’ll be there.
The other is in Arizona, his name is Stephen Guymon.
He is the love of my life.
I have the most amazing fucking friends anyone could ask for.
I’m a hopeless romantic, and will never learn.
I’m a pretty nice person when I want to be.
I can totally be a bitch too, but only to certain people.
I love rainbows, hello kitty, clouds, and lightning bolts.
I like to burst out in song at the most random times.
I blast music in my car and sing it at the top of my lungs.
I dance in the middle of everywhere not even caring.
I laugh at things that happened hella days ago.
I like dressing up for no reason =)
I’m the type of person that won’t ever lie to you.
I’ll tell you straight up how I feel about anything and everything.
If often gets me in trouble with a lot of people LOL.
I’m superrrr open about everything, lol
I’m not very shy.
I cuss like a fucking sailor.
I’m sarcastic as fuck.
I speed in my car wayyy too much.
And I’m fucking good at it =)
I’m originally from California.
Bay fucking area, bitches :)
I’m totally crazy but it’s the good kind of crazy.
That’s just a nanosecond of my fucking incredible life.

Let’s be friends :)
Peace&love, baby<33