My good deed for the day.

i was at the store today,
because my sister is super sick.
she has been throwing up all day.
i sooo don't wanna catch that.
anyways,
i went to the store.
i got her some medicine.
i got her some crackers.
and some gadorade for the electrolytes.
i got myself some vitamin C tablets so i can keep my immune system up.

i was standing in line, and there was this elderly woman in front of me.
she had a lot of groceries in her basket and couldn't bend very well to get them.
i asked her if i could help her, and she was very happy about them.
as it was ringing up, she asked me why she was there, and where she was.
i was like.. you just went shopping for food at ralph's.
the lady at the cashier told her the total,
so she got out her credit card.
she didn't know how to use the machine very well.
and the bagger and cashier lady were getting impatient.
so they did it for her.
i thought it was so very rude.
when it came to my turn, about 15 minutes later,
i paid for my items, and quickly found her again.
she forgot how she got there.
i asked her if she drove.
and she said no.
i asked her if someone dropped her off.
and she said yes.
i asked her who, and she said the taxi cab.
i offered to call her another cab because she refused to let me take her where she needed to go.
so i called her the cab, and waited with her until it came.
i learned her name was Dorothy.
her husband passed away about 5 years ago.
she has 4 grown children and about 15 grandchildren.
throughout the conversation,
every so often,
she asked me who i was.
and where she was.
and why she was outside.
it broke my heart.
once the cab came, she forgot where she lived.
i asked her if i could see her drivers licence,
so i told the cab driver to go there.
i hope she got there alright.
i really wish her the best.

before she left, she said "thank you for standing with me in this awful weather, and thank you for the great conversation"

it brought tears to my eyes to see her like that.
she's all alone.
obviously going insane,
and losing her mind slowly.
and no one is there to help her.
if someone was there to help her,
they would have been there in the store with her.
and not made her take a taxi to get there.

i think i could be an amazing nurse.
i feel it's my calling.
i want to help people.
in all kinds of circumstances.

i wish her the best.
xoxo

I cried the whole way here.

i cried the whole way here.




it's not that i literally,
just left my home..

it's that i really disappointed people i love.
i love my nana.
i would never hurt her.
i'd stand up for her if she were wrong.
i'd take a bullet for her.

when i left this morning, she cried.
she said i was abandoning her.
she said i was going to ruin my life.
she said that.. her home, wasn't my home anymore.
she asked for the key back.
but then said i could keep it, if i called in advance to tell her when i was visiting, if i was visiting.

why the fuck wouldn't i visit?
i'm ALREADY homesick.
it's been less then 24 hours.
i need to go HOME atleast once a month.
i need to see her.
i need to see if she is okay.

it was weird.
my grandpa walked me to my car before i left,
and he hugged me,
and he said
"i'm sorry i'm such an asshole all the time which is making you leave"
and he looked at me with tears in his eyes
and he went inside.

i cried the whole way to palm springs.
i've disappointed them.
i've hurt them.
i've betrayed them.

i don't know how i disappoiinted them.
i don't know how i hurt them.
i don't know how i betrayed them.

i'm doing this for me.
i needed to think about myself for once.
and they didn't miss a beat, letting me know that.

i love my nana.
and i wish one day she will forgive me.
xoxo

Goodbye Arizona, Hello California<3

goodbye, arizona.
hello, california<3



i'm finally leaving.
ever since i moved to arizona,
i've wanted to go back to california.


since i've been in arizona,
i've gained friends.
lost friends.
loved.
lost.
didn't care.
cared too much.
smiled.
laughed.
cried.
felt like i was going to die.
put up with shit i should have never put up with.
made a difference in certain people's lives.
met some amazing people.
met some not so amazing people.
had so much fun i didn't want it to end.
felt so bad i wanted it all to end.

all in all,
it's been a good 5 years.
i've had my ups and downs.
but overall, it's been alright.

i'm leaving behind all the drama.
i'm leaving behind all the betrayal.
i'm leaving behind all the negative.

honestly, i'm done with it all.
this chapter in my life is over.
and i'm starting a new one.

yes, i'm going to miss stephen.
but honestly,
i don't want to even talk to anyone else.
he is the only one worth it.
and i'm going to miss him insanely.
but the thing about leaving him here is that..
he won't forget me.
he won't replace me.
he will be there when i return.
and i will never forget him.
and i will never replace him.
and i'm always around if he needs me.

of course, i'm visiting once a month.
can't go too long without seeing him.
but i'm leaving.
and i'm never looking back.
this is the right thing to do.
it's the best decision i've made in awhile.
and i'm proud of myself.

no more gossip.
no more lies.
no more betrayal.
no more friends letting me down.
no more heartache.

i'll have the road infront of me tomorrow.
the long road, the desert.
and i'm gone.
i'm not even stopping.

yes, i'm going to miss arizona.
but as i said before, that chapter in my life is over.
and i hope others make the same drastic decision to start a new chapter in their lives.

i love you.
i'll miss you.
i'll see you soon<3
xoxo

<3

i hate you.
i love you.
i miss you insanely.
xoxo

Single doesn't always mean available.

it's true.



you can be single all you want.
but it doesn't matter.
it doesn't change anything.

sometimes you are a mess.
sometimes it's the wrong time.
sometimes honesty hurts.
sometimes you have other plans.
sometimes you're not over someone.
sometimes you can't move on.
sometimes you want to tell the world to just fuck off for a little bit.
sometimes you just don't care.
sometimes they are too far away.
sometimes it's impossible as of now.
sometimes life happens, and there is nothing you can do about it but wait it out and pray the outcome is to your liking, which it might not always be.

you can flirt all you want.
but it won't change the fact,
single doesn't mean available.

saying "hi beautiful"
or "i want to see your adorable face"
or "just be with me"
or "you are always cute"
or "maybe i want a mess"
or "i'll be your clean freak"
or "i'd never hurt you"
or even "i love you"

it doesn't matter.
i may be passing up a chance.
at something.
i don't even know what.
but it doesn't matter.

single doesn't mean available.
not yet.
not right now.

and as much as a flirt with someone
and as much as i want to be with him
and as much as he is out of my reach
i will always remain the best friend.
always.
9 hours in the future, is a lot.
it's far.
and every single time
he says he is going on a date
or likes some cute girl
i will think
in the back of my mind
"i wish that were me."

every
single
time.

i refuse to be the slut this time.
i refuse to do it.
i am better than that.
and i know it.

i can't just get over shit, just like that.
i need to become brave again.
i need to take chances.

i do not put myself out there.
i haven't for awhile now.
and it's good for me.
it keeps me un-attached.
it keeps me sane.
it keeps me.. safe.

this is all honesty.

but one day,
i'll be out there again.
i'll attach myself, slowly.
i'll be vulnerable, but excited.

i do not wish to be hurt again.
at this time.
so stop.

ily.

i'm insanely jealous.
xoxo

I woke up with a smile on my face.

i woke up with a smile on my face.





life is good.
seriously.
it's such shit sometimes.
but life is good.
life happens.
life goes on.
it's great.

i love the friends i have.
i know they are real friends,
they haven't left.

i have really learned what real friends are,
this year, and last year.
i've lost some friends.
i've gained new ones.
and i've had old ones that won't give up.

i have one best friend.
his name is stephen.
he is seriously, the love of my life.
even if it's platonic.
i know,
no matter what,
he will always be there.
and i can't thank him enough.
sometimes when i'm upset..or really happy, or whatever.
i start driving.
and you want to know where i end up?
at his house, in his arms.
i don't even think about it.
i drive.
and he is my desination.

lol, he is the ONLY one that i will have a baby for.
i am soooo against kids.
but i would ruin my vagina for him.
and spoil that little kid like he was a king or something.
as long as it's not mine :)
that's how much i love him.

we tell eachother the truth.
even if we don't want to hear it.
that's why i love him so much.
nothing we say is bullshit.
well.
LOL
most of it is bullshit.
but the truth in it,
is we are honest with eachother.

i woke up today,
with a smile on my face.
and i thought of stephen.
so i guess i had a dream about him.
but i so don't remember.
he just means the world to me.
seriously.
we're not even like
our eachothers significant others.
we're just best friends.
that's deeper then any boyfriend/girlfriend you'll ever have.
i'm so convinced.

i didn't tell stephen about my blog for two months,
after i created it.
then i fav'd it on his computer.
i write about him.
sometimes good.
sometimes bad.
it's truth.
honesty.
love.

i really love him.
i tell him constantly.
and i'm sure it annoys him.
but he never says it does.
i love him too much.
but that's just me.
don't love at all.
or love too much.
there is no middle.

he gives me hope.
he gives me hope in everything.
he makes me think guys can be better.
i'm going through a serious,
fuckkk off, don't look at me, don't touch me, don't hit on me, don't ask me for my number, don't ask me out, fuck off kind of stage.
and he gives me hope.
because he is literally perfection in a man.

even though he doesn't really like girls "that way",
it's still hope.
and i know if i fall,
he will catch me.
and i know if i find someone,
he would be happy.

i am happy he found someone.
i am happy he used to be so good.
i am happy that he found his perfection.
i am happy his perfection is getting help.
i am happy he is coming back.
and i am happy that once his perfection comes back, i'll give him a hug, and ask him why he's been gone for so long.

i can't wait for that day.
even after all the hurtful things i've said about him,
i miss him everyday.
i hate that it had to be like this.
i'm stubborn as fuck.
but,
one day,
not anytime soon,
but one day,

i'll see that old man again.
and give him a hug.
and a kiss on the cheek.
and all would be right again.

xoxo

Turns out you can't forgive everything.

^^me and my sister. xoxo (she edited it, haha, what a cutie)




i got a call today.





my sister called me today.
she rarely calls me.
we were just catching up.
she was telling me about school.
and how she's excited i am moving in with her.
and all of a sudden
and like..
flipped out.
like, not crying.
but flipped out.
i could tell she was upset.
and worried.
she was asking me questions.
did i trust our mother,
did i think she was going back to drugs,
did i think things were going to work out,
am i going to keep our mother in check,
ect, ect, ect.

we never talk like this.
she never, ever, we never have deep conversations.
i'm glad we did.
i'm glad she can trust me.
she has the same insecurities about the situation that i do.
it's like,
she was speaking my mind.
i mean, she should.
we've been through it.
we went through it together.
we still go through it.

she was speaking slowly.
trying to get reactions out of me,
and i gave them to her.

for one, she said she didn't trust our mother.
i said i don't and never will 100%.
i can't trust someone that's hurt me more times then i can remember.
i can't trust someone that is still, and always will be, a drug addict.
she isn't on drugs now.
but it can change.
it can change so very fast.
now,
i know i am suppose to tell her it's fine, not to worry, being the older sister.
but i don't want to lie to her.
i was lied to, and when i was lied to, it was worse.
i thought everything was fine, ans then the next day, boom.
everything wasn't fine.
i want her to be prepared.
i know i am.
i wait for the call everyday.
"I'm sorry but your mother went back to drugs."
i try not to think about it.
but i know,
at anytime,
it can happen.

for two,
she said that she didn't want our mother to go to work right away.
i agree one-hundred percent.
whenever she gets a job,
she meets people.
the wrong kind of people.
we know this.
but my mother can't grasp the idea.
our mother says she is fine.
and that this time it's going to be okay.

but you know what?
we've heard it all before.
i've heard it all my life.
that's the reason i didn't talk to my own mother for THREE years.
three years.
and when i did talk to her,
it was hurtful.
i was the biggest bitch.
i didn't support her in any way at all.
i wasn't behind her, at all.

don't get me wrong.
i love my mother.
but that doesn't mean i have to like her.
and that's what i told my little sister.
you can love her all you want,
but you don't have to like her,
you don't have to trust her,
you don't have to give her support.

she's a grown woman.
if she's done with her little drugs,
and if she's done with her fucking up shit,
then she's done with it.
but if not,
it's not our responsibility to take care of her.
she is suppose to be the mother.
not us.
she already missed her chance with me.
i'm all grown up.
i don't need guidence, especially from her.
but my little sister, she needs a mother.
but our mother..
she acts like she's 16 years old.
they always say you are frozen in time, the first time you try drugs.
i believe that.

i'm glad my sister could talk to me about this.

she was telling me about a dream she had,
where mom was back in prison,
and she called her,
"baby, i'm sorry but i'm back in jail"

it was like deja vu for me.
i've heard that so many times.
i've got that call, so many times.
"baby, i can't make it to christmas, i'm in jail"
"baby, i'm sorry i can't get you any birthday presents, i'm back in jail"
"baby, i love you please love me too"

it's all bullshit.
all of it.
and i know how my sister feels.

i remember the last itme my mother fucked up big time.
my sister was real little.
i was in third grade.
(yeah, she's been in prison and rehab that long, just getting out now)
i got home from school.
and my mother told me to take my sister out to play.
i did what she said.
we went outside.
there was grass.
we were just chilling.
it became dark, and i went to go back in with my sister.
the door was locked.
i rang the doorbell, and she didn't answer.
i banged on the door, and she finally answered.
i saw marks on her arms.
she told me she wasn't feeling well,
and that our aunt was going to get us and we will stay with her for the night.
so our aunt picked us up.
we stayed the night.
i went to school with dirty clothes on.
my sister was too little so she stayed with my aunt.
when 2pm hit and school was just about to be let out,
out of the corner of my eye,
i saw my nana.
and i knew my mother had fucked up again.
i knew it.
before she even told me,
i knew it.
my mother only had me back for 21 days,
then she fucked it up.


i do not want that to happen to my sister again.
it's happened to me all my life.
and i don't want her to go through it.
as much as she drives me crazy,
i love my sister.
and i'd take on the whole fucking world to protect her.

i have many doubts.
but until shit happens, if it does,
i'll deal with it then.
but for now,
it will always be in the back of my mind,
but i won't let it run my life.
and i told her the same thing.
i hope my wisdom helped her in any way it could.
xoxo

Walk away, with a smile on my face.

i had a dream about you last night.


i didn't think i'd ever have one about you again.
but around 5am,
i woke up.
and i can still feel your body pressed up against mine.
i kinda just laid there.
and tried to go back to sleep.
so i could finish my dream,
but i can't even remember it.
all i know,
is it was about you.

besides that,
i've realized i don't know what i want to do with my life.
i really have no idea.
i don't know what profession i want.
i don't have a clue.

i've laid here for about 30 minutes.
i can hear the wind outside.
and all i can think about,
is how i want to drop out of college.
get a job.
write a book.
and travel the world.

but that's super unrealistic.
i wish i could do just that.
and figure some shit out.
get away from it all.

it's not running away.
it's taking the time,
i didn't have before,
to figure out what i want to do.

i've always done what others want me to do.
i never really asked myself,
what do i want?
i went to college to be a therapist.
because that's what my parents wanted me to be.
and now that i'm in college,
on my second year,
i'm unhappy.
i do not want to be a therapist.
i'm failing.
and don't even care.

i'm in so much shit.
it's not even funny.
i've lied to my family,
to make them happy.
and now that i tell them,
i don't want to be a therapist.
i don't know what i want to be.
oh, and by the way, i'm failing.
it's super fun at home.

i think i might be a nurse.
i know i want to help people.
and i know i want a hectic schedual.
i don't want free time.
well, yes, i do want free time.
but i want to be so busy,
i can't think about anything else.

besides that,
i wish things were different.
i wish you had the courage to tell me,
straight to my face,
not hiding like a fucking pussy,
that i was nothing to you.
<3

i want to hear it.
i want to see you say it.
then i can slap you,
walk away,
with a smile on my face.

goodmorning, world.
xoxo

"Like, One Of The Strippers" <3

you basically so far have made my year<3


lol, first thing he says to me..
Chris : LULU.
Chris : I
Chris : LOVE
Chris : YOU.
Chris : I LOVE YOU. <3


how insanely adorable.
i love him.
he gives me these like,
big nerdy smiles.

and..

Chris : {invites you to send webcam feed}
Chris : {invites you to view webcam feed}
Me : NOO. i look like such a complete mess right now.
Chris : NO.
Chris : i'm sure you look adorable
Chris : <3
Me : okay okay, lemme atleast put my hair up first.
Chris : {goes on webcam}
Me : {goes on webcam}
Chris : SEE.
Chris : you always so look great.
Chris : <3333 :)

that's so what i want.
some guy,
to think i'm gorgeous,
even when I KNOWW i look like shit.
some guy,
to think i'm gorgeous,
even in my pajamas<3

aw.
chris, you're perfect.
you know that?
scotland is too far away.
i think a trip to AZ is in order. xoxo

so basically,
i think he's insanely handsome.
like, incredibly.
STEPHANIE.
like,
one of those strippers!
haha. i know you read this. <3

but seriously.
he is perfection in a man.
i swear it.

maybe a little short,
haha.
i'm just kidding.
you know i'm just kidding<3
you make up for it in other ways.

anyways.
i thought i'd blog about you.
i haven't done it in awhile.
lots of shit has gone down.
but this is a new year.
a new everything.
starting fresh.
but of course you know,
i'm oh so infatuated,
clearly in love,
with you, scottish gamer<3.

k i am seriously falling asleep now.
OH
OH
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
fuckkkk you
with your scottish genes
and no hangover?
fuckkkkk you.
:)

time&place, baby.
xoxo

ps -- i love you more.
<3

xoxo

Happy New Year<33!! xoxo

HAPPY NEW YEAR.
it's definitely been one hell of a year<3


i believe this year is going to change for the better.
i believe that this is the year of magic.
it's going to be a good year.
a good decade.
i can feel it.

i don't know my resolutions yet.
but when i figure them out,
i'll be sure to let you know.

i love you all.
and i wish you a happy new years.

xoxo