Today is a good day.

:)
today is a good day.
it's a lazy day.
even though i have an essay due at midnight.

i woke up, and i felt amazing.
that's how it is suppose to be.

next week is going to be kinda lame.
i was told to "stay home"
because i've basically gone out every single day.
and i'm never home.
but that's just too bad.
:)
lol

k i'm going to go clean
cause i'm in the mood
and who knowsssss when i will be again
:)
xoxo

Someday when i stop loving you.

truth;
i'm afraid i'll never be put back together.



that so scares me.
will i ever feel that way again?
will i ever take risks again?
will i ever love someone that much ever again?

i'd hate it if i wasted it just on him.
i don't want it to be wasted.
but, it was wasted.

tonight,
i don't know why tonight,
i don't know why..
i don't know why.

tonight just got to me.
for some reason, it got to me.
it got to me bad.
like, it usually doesn't.
but tonight,
tonight i want to wrap myself in my blanket,
get in bed,
and just cry.

how fucking stupid is that.
i feel like crying.

mind you, i don't cry often.
but when it comes to you,
i don't even know.

i miss you too much.
and you are so bad for me.

what happened?
everything was going alright.
i was living with your decisions.
i was living with being second.
i was okay with it.
then one day..
i wasn't.
i didn't want to be second anymore.
then it all fell apart.
because i wanted to be first.
and i lost.

i'm okay.
i just want that feeling back.
not necessarily with you,
just that feeling back.

enough of this.
i'm done with it.
i'm just being ridiculous.
by the way,
it's not okay.
you don't deserve that.
i will kill him if he does it again.
death.
you are too amazing to be dealing with that.
he doesn't deserve you,
if he thinks that what he is doing to you,
is alright.
because it's not.
it's not okay.
don't think it is.
don't be like.. "its not that bad."
because it is.
xoxo

I will never leave you.

i love you.




best friend.
my very best friend.
my handsome,
my smart,
my entertaining,
my trustworthy,
my truthful,
my gaga-obsessed,
best friend.

you my friend..
you are the best thing that ever happened to me.
i'm not even lying.
you are seriously my other half.
i can't even put it into words.

i like how we have crazy conversations,
and all of a sudden,
they are hella silly.
then they are hella serious.
then we laugh at something silly,
and it's just perfect.

i'm glad you can tell me the truth.
when i ask you, if you are okay,
and you say yes,
and i say,
don't lie to me.
you tell me straight up,
what's going on inside that head of yours.
you spill it.
and i listen.
i love that.

and i love that you know when something is wrong with me.
you just know.
i don't know how,
i thought i hide it well,
but obviously, you catch it.

i know you miss him.
and i know you love him with all your heart.
all of it.
i know.
but you can't go back to him.
don't even talk to him.
don't see him.
if you do,
mark my words -- you will fall right back into that downward cycle.
you will be back at square one.
i promise you.
i am not here to lie to you,
and sugarcoat shit.
i'm here being a real friend,
telling you it's going to suck for a bit,
but you'll pull through it.
you are strong.
a much stronger person than i am.

and i know in the car,
when i said if you go back to him,
that i will leave you.
i can't ever leave you.
i can be mad as fuck at you.
i can hire people to beat his ass.
i can make HELL for you.
just to make you safer.
just to make you think.
i won't ever leave you.

i
will
never
ever
leave
you.

just don't make it difficult for me,
and go back to him when he gets "well"
because he won't be "well" for awhile.
thanks :)

besides that,
don't you think i miss him?
my satan?
yes.
i miss him everyday.
e v e r y s i n g l e d a y.
i want to just say fuck it somedays,
and give in.
and go right back to where i was.
but other days,
when i have my head on right..

"Don’t waste your breath with baby baby please, Cause I am so not listening. Don’t. bother getting down upon your knees and try to beg me. I’m tired of how you twist the truth. You’re not talking to the same girl. Who used to forgive you. That girl is long gone. Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away. Long gone. She’s not drowning in her yesterdays. Betcha never thought I’d be that strong. Well this girl is long gone"

other days..

"You had it all for a pretty little while. And some how you made me smile when I was sad. You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart. Then you realized you wanted what you had. I guess I should've been more like that. I should have held on to my pride. I should have never let you lie. I guess you got what you deserved. I guess I should've been more like her."

some days are better than others.
i genuinely wish you luck.

you asked me a question,
and i seriously almost cried for you.

you asked me if you will ever be fixed, because you are broken.
you asked me if you will ever be fixed, if it will ever happen.

i asked you if you thought i was fixed,
i'm still not fixed.
not entirely.
then i told you that one day,
when someone really loves you,
and you really love him back,
and he's not perfect,
you may fight and scream,
but nothing crazy big,
since you know, perfection doesn't exist,
he will find some duct tape,
and piece you back together.

i promise you one day, you will be okay.
you are not broken now.
you may be a little shook up,
but you are not broken.

i promise you one day, you meet someone,
and you're going to think,
why didn't i see this before?
this is how i'm suppose to be treated.

i love you.
with all my heart.
and i'd do anything for you.
when the day comes where we need to hide a body,
i'll be there :) lol
but you know what i mean.

i will never leave you.
and you can tell me anything.
just like you know every detail about me.

i'm here forever.
even when you don't want me to be.
you won't be alone,
i promise.
xoxo

It's not fair.

it's not fair.



i don't understand.
it's not fair.
it's not fucking fair.
seriously.
when am i going to be okay again?
i'm okay now.
but really.
when?
it pisses me off so bad.
that i still think about you.
it makes me so mad.
i don't want to.
i fight it as much as i can.
i try so hard.
stop fucking with me.
i'm a year older.
and i'm not taking your shit.

i may want to pin you up against a wall,
and i may want to rip those clothes off of you,
and i may want to fuck you senseless,
since obviously i enjoy being used,
but i'm not going to.

i can't go down that road again.
i can't do it.
i refuse.
i may want to,
but it takes all my willpower,
every single ounce,
not to.

and that's not fair.
it's not fair.

it makes me miss you so bad.
all of this, it makes me miss you.
and i DO NOT want to miss you.
i'm keeping myself busy again.
going out everyday.
getting my mind off of you.
but i still come home.
and i still can't sleep.
and i still think about you.
and it pisses me off.

i want to scream.
i want to throw everything.
i want to punch a wall.
because it's not fair.

when is it my turn?
when is it going to be my turn?
i've been through enough shit,
for something to work out.
i have.
i've fought.
and i've screamed.
and i've cried.
don't you think it's time for me to get a little back?
just something.
nothing monumental.
just something.

it's my turn.
and it's not fair.

besides that..
one of my best friend,
read ALL of my blogs.
from beginning to end.
best friend, i love you.
you seriously make life better.
i want to thank you for not judging me.
and thank you for being such an amazing friend.
seriously.
you mean so much to me.
and i know if i ever need any kind of help,
a shoulder to cry on,
a friend to chill with,
a friend to go crazy with,
a friend to rant and rave,
and a friend to help me hide the body,
you'll be there.
thank you.

xoxo

Promise me one day, guys won't all be the same.

i've come to a realization.



when is it going to be my turn?
you'd think if someone put so much effort into you, they'd stick around.
totally not the case.
that goes with relationships and friends.
it's like.. guys only talk to me if they need something.
i am not a slut.
i may want to be one because i'm tired of all the bullshit,
but i am most definately not a slut.
i don't sleep with a million guys.
i don't even mess around with a million guys.
but it's always something.
i am not used for your pleasure.
if you are going to work me all up,
and make me think that you genuinely like me as a person,
and make me think that you want something from me, idk, not involving sex?
that would be pretty nice.

i'm tired of it.
i'm tired of giving you pieces of me.
and once you are done with me,
i lose those fucking pieces.
i swear.
i trust less.
i avoid more.
it's not fair.

life isn't fair, right?
it's just frustrating.

i should be able to have my happy ending too.
everyone around me is getting fucking married,
and having fucking babies,
and moving in with their boyfriends,
and falling in love every single day,
and being so happy and shit,

i think it's time for me to get that too.
i'm not saying i want to get married,
have kids,
all that shit,
i'm just saying..

when is it my turn?
i've been through enough shit.
karma owes me.

i just wish a guy would sweep me off my feet,
and show me that every guy isn't the same.
is that really too much to ask?
i don't think so.

i'm just a fucking sexual fantasy.
like, seriously.
it's all totally chill in the beginning,
but it gets old.

sure, i'm down for pretty much anything.
i have a specific way about me.
i like specific things.
is that it?
because i like it different than normal girls?
like me for me, please.
xoxo

100th blog entry?!

100th blog entry?
holy fuck.



so i changed my layout and colors and pictures and stuff.
it's more me.
i like it :)
soo.. this is my 100th blog entry.
i feel i should say something profound,
or something intimate to me,
or something that will make you be like "wow",
but a good kind of wow :)

well.. i guess i might introduce myself again.
after 100 blog entries, i could be different.
i am different.

soo.. here goes bitches =)

My name is Lauren.
Everyone calls me Lulu.
I am 19 years old, still.
I'm turning 20 in august.
I'm getting really old :(
I still love the color hot pink and neon green.
I have no love interests.
I am playing the "okay well.. if you are around, sure, i'm down" kinda card.
If not, i'm not interested.
I'm not looking for anything serious.
I still don't trust anybody i'm "romantically involved in".
I still do shit for no reason.
Stephen is still my bff.
He is my other half.
No one knows about my blog irl, except him.
I think i'm going to advertise my blog e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.
I still love lightning bolts and dressing up.
I like looking pretty.
OH, i cut my bangs.
Now i have "bitch bangs" like the straight ones Lady Gaga has.
Yes, i still have a obsession with Lady Gaga.
I have switched Universities and Majors.
I am now at the University of Phoenix,
and my major is Criminal Justice.
I plan to be a PAROLE officer, not a PROBATION officer.
There is a difference.
I still consider myself a California Girl.
I still miss the beach like it's air.
I say chill, and hella.
NorCal & SoCal lingo? I guess so.
I'm still in Arizona.

i guess that's all i could think of :) lol
most important stuff since my first post,
i've been through some shit.
some fucking shit.
and i've lived through it.
i came out in one piece.
and i feel great.
i feel my fearless self coming back.

100th blog entry, i'll think of you again when i hit 200.
xoxo

I'm so proud of you.

don't worry, you will smile big again.




sooo.. wow.
longggggggggggggggggg weekend.
so much shit went down.
but now the drama is o-v-e-r.
thank god.

bff left him finally.
packed his pathetic shit up.
found REAL drugs.
called the cops.
kicked his ass out.
finally left him.
called me.
vented forever.
and is alive.

i'm so proud of you.
you didn't deserve all of this.
this isn't normal.
this doesn't happen to everyone.
i am soooooo proud of you.
i know it sucks.
and i know it hurts.
but you are a strong person.
you are amazing.
and handsome.
and you are going to find someone.
and he is going to love you back.
and not put you through this shit.
not cheat.
not lie.
not manipulate you.
not be a drug addict.
not steal from you.
not hate your family.
not hate me.
he's going to love you.

yes, you won't trust anybody for awhile.
yes, you need numerous rebounds.
yes, you will cry out of no where.
yes, you'll get through it.

you are an amazing person.
i don't understand why he took advantage of that.
i don't understand why he did this to you.
you didn't deserve this.
you are a good person.
even though you don't want to be,
you are not capable of being a shitty person.
you are a good person.
with a big heart.
too big sometimes.

i am here for you.
i will NEVER leave you.
i won't leave.

but just think.. you got through this.
and him? he's shit.
he is a piece of shit.
he needs to hit rock bottom.
and after losing you,
it will help him.
i'm glad he is detoxing.
it's painful as fuck, im glad he is in pain.
but he is getting help.

never speak to him again.
he is manipulative.
he manipulates you easily.
so very easily.

i love you.
and i promise you,
you will find someone again.
someone better.
you are a handsome man.
you are intelligent.
you are funny.
you are a smartass.
you are the most amazing person i've met.
and someone is going to see that.

oh, and it's okay to cry.
cry your fucking heart out.
scream.
throw things.
let it out.
it's not bad.
i promise.

you were driving me home,
and you asked me a question,
and it's kinda stuck with me,

you; do you still miss him?
me; every single day. i hate him. i want to punch him in his face.
me; but every single time i pass his stupid fucking house, i miss him.
you; is that going to happen to me?
me; yes. but it will fade.

when you have those days where you miss him,
or when you have those days you cry out of no where,
call me.
and i'll come.
xoxo

I miss the old you.

update :


you finally did it.
you called me.
crying your heart out.
"lauren, it's over. i can't take this"
"i can't be with him"
"i can't do this"
"lauren, i love him so much, i can't do this"

i was so proud of you.
i was so worried about you.
i was scared for you.

you were finally fed up with his shit.
you put yourself first.
you grew up.
you said one more time he does that, and it's over.
and that's just what you did, you told him it was over.

i was so proud of you.
and something happened.
i didn't talk to you for maybe 24 hours.
i thought you needed to work some stuff out.

..and you took him back?
you let him stay?
after everything he has done to you? and to everyone?

he has went back to pills.
over you.
he has cursed out YOUR MOTHER.
he has cursed out YOU.
he has cursed out ME.
he says it's all our fault.
not his.
our fault, until he got minorly off the pills and accepted responsibility.
but did it go through? no.
he's not in rehab.
he didn't do anything.
he's still in your brand new apartment,
which i haven't even fucking been in yet.
BECAUSE I CAN'T COME OVER.
BECAUSE HE IS THERE.

you swore to me, this was the last time.
you swore to me, if he did this again, you'd leave him.
he is hurting you emotionally.

and what do you do?
you keep him.
for what?
for love?
this isn't love.

if this was love, you wouldn't be afraid of him.
you could talk freely.
you could do what you wanted.
i could come over.
he is keeping you from your friends.
he is keeping you from your FAMILY.

how is this so hard to comprehend?
he is dragging you down.
and i am not there to stop it.

i stopped it once.
im still here for you.
but when you call me crying
saying he did something else
im not going to be sympathetic.
im not going to care.
yes, i care for you.
but this is all you now.

you chose this.
even after EVERYONE has told you this is the wrong road to go down.
you chose this.
now live with it.

i give it not even a week till somehow he gets high again.
i give it not even a week for you to cry over him again.
and when you come to me
in a panic
crying
saying he did this and this
i will not be surprised.

i think what you are doing is ridiculous.
you asked me if i think you are dumb,
damn right i think you are.

i love you.
i am your best friend.
but this is going to pull us veryyyyyy far apart.
i don't ever want to lose you,
but i can't deal with this.

i can't keep hearing you cry on the phone to me
i can't keep giving you advice to get rid of him
i can't keep worrying all the fucking time about you
it's making me sick

HE IS A MONSTER.
he has no respect for you.
your family.
your friends.
no one.

and he'll do it again.
and i will NEVER
EVER
forgive him for this.
for any of this.
i will never forgive him.
and if you stay with him,
i will continue to hate him.
i don't want to be anywhere near that fucking wetback.

he hurts you
over and fucking over
and you keep on taking it.
over and fucking over.

im not only afraid for your emotional safety
i am afraid he will fucking physically hurt you.
you do not know what a person will do ON DRUGS.

i want so much for you.
i want you to be happy again.
i miss the old you.
the old you that knew that this is all bullshit.
the old you that KNOWS what mistakes you are making.

what if this were me.
what if i was in a ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
someone who treated me like this.
someone who treated my family like this.
someone who treated you like this.

what would you do?
what would you say?

you would not be supportive.
you'd be like "bitch wtf are you thinking, dump his sorry ass and call the cops"
that's what you'd say.
you'd fucking KILL a guy if he ever did this to me.
you'd fucking KILL him.

that's how i feel.

i miss having fun with you.
when was the last time we just had fun?
without all the drama
without all the shit
without all the conversations about the fucking wetback,
do you even remember?
i sure as hell don't.

i love you.
and i miss you.
and if this is the life you are choosing,
taking care of a 33 year old drug addict who has no respect for anybody, including you,
then go for it.
no one is stopping you obviously.
because we are tired of it.

xoxo

A dream, more of a specific memory.

crazyyyyyyyyyyyy dream.
like seriously.
it was so unexpected.
and totally random.
like, it happened when i was 15 or 16.
it's sooo weird to.
like a totally random moment.




so you and me met at my house.
and of course i gave you an otter pop.
and we walked to my bff's house, in that crazy 120 degree weather.
the whole way there we were just chilling.
no cares in the world.
kissing.
i remember you slapping my ass a lot.
then kissing more.
and arguing about how hot it was.
then we finally got my bffs house.
and he let us in.
and he was infront, and i followed him, and you followed behind.
we walked upstairs,
and i remember you grabbing my ass, and kissing my neck.
and my bff at the time had a CRAZY HUGE crush on me.
and he just kinda ignored it.
we were walking into my bff's room..
and you gave me those eyes.
those fucking eyes that i can never say no to.
and you just looked at me.
and pulled me in, and kissed me.
right there.
infront of him.
no hiding.
no nothing.
just kissed me.
and my bff just kinda was like.. okay guys lets keep this rated G.
then we were just chilling.
playing video games i think.
looking at his stupid wall paintings.
then for some reason my bff went into his closet
OH
cause we were joking like,
so fool, where is the p0rn?
and he was all.. OH MY CLOSET!
so he went into the closet,
then you closed the door on my bff.
and locked him in.
pulled me over to you.
pressed me up against the door.
and crazyyy kissed me.
one of those kisses that you don't forget.
the kind that makes your mind go blurry.
the kind that makes you lose time.
groping.
de-clothing.
crazy kind of kisses.
the best kind.
and all the time, the bff was locked in the closet.
we let him out like 3 minutes later.
and he was all like..
"what were you guys even doing?"
and i remember saying "i can't remember."
and you just looked at me.
with that stupid smirk you have all the time.
then we got bored.
and we left together.
you walked me home.
holding my hand.
then complaining it was too hot to hold hands
and kept slapping my fucking ass. lol.
because you knew you could.
and you didn't care.
so we got to my house.
and we were on the side of the house.
and you pushed me against that same wall.
and kissed me for real again.
that crazy light-headed kiss,
losing track of time,
lustful, intensely romantic and just pure sex kiss.
i don't know why i remember this.
i don't know why i had a dream about it.
i haven't thought about that moment,
probably since i was 16.
then you went home.
and so did i.
then i got a call from my bff.
and he wanted to chill again.
so he walked to my house.
and we were walking around the block.
and i wanted to go get you.
cause back then, i liked being around you.
not anymore really.
but he said straight out "why him?"
and i was like.. "because he makes me feel invincible."
"he makes me feel like i can fly."
and you know what he said?
he said "i could do better if you let me."
and he tried to kiss me.
and i pulled away.
and didn't let him.
and turned him down.
and that was the last day we ever talked.
he got back together with his girlfriend.
and he said that he couldn't talk to me anymore.
my bff.
because i didn't want to be with him.
thinking back now,
he was probably the most logical choice.
but he didn't give me that rush..
that rush, that need-you-so-much rush.
i never liked him like that, ever.
he was simply a boy, and simply a friend, a best friend.

it's SO weird i had a dream about that.
like out of no where.
for no reason.
i had to blog about this.
it's just so crazy.
because before this dream,
i didn't think about that moment for years.

now i'm pissed off.
i can see those fucking eyes,
staring at me.
those eyes i can't say no to.
fucking staring at me.
with that lustful crazy look.
i hate remember shit like that.

it's over,
it's done,
and i dream about it?
pshhhh.

i'm chill.
:)

i honestly think he was genuinely interested me back then.
then something changed.
but i don't want to give credit to him, when no credit is due.
he deserves nothing.
sure,
thanks for making my highschool years pretty great.
then pretty suck-ish.
sure,
thanks for giving me those mind-blowing kisses and everything else that happened.
experiences in life are chill.
but you are still pathetic.
and if i see you,
i'll turn aronud and walk the opposite direction.

xoxo

Let me in on the secret, okay?

you are difficult.
you make me so mad sometimes.
i don't know what you want.
and you don't give any hints.

i don't text you a lot anymore.
maybe once every few days.
it seems you text me more,
when i don't text you.
it's interesting.

i try not to think about you a lot anymore,
because i know it's not going anywhere.

but when you do talk to me,
i still get those butterflies in my stomach.
so obviously, you still got it.

today you texted me,
and you said you had a bad day.
first instinct : call you & see if you are okay.

but i didn't do that.
cause i know you hate talking on the phone.
which is pretty lame btw.

i miss you.
but not as much as i used to.

i would mind just.. being with you.
and fuck everything else.

i've done things for you.. that i've never done before.
for anyone.
and if they would have asked me,
i'd be like..
"ha, yeah. sure. fuck you."

it's not even about the sex.
well, it's nice.
you know what i like.
that wall is down.
downdowndown.
i like knowing that you know what i like.

you got into my head.

i don't even know what i'm saying.
but i know this, i miss you.

i miss your stupid smile.
and the way you ignore me for your stupid computer games.
i miss your bed and how i want you next to me.
i miss that stupid nickname you always used to call me.
and i miss how i had to ask for things.
i miss you being in control, then kissing me.
i miss saying no, but really meaning yes.
i miss not knowing what was going to happen.
i miss your cute accent.
and i miss kissing you on the cheek, which always ended up on your eye cause you move your stupid head.
i miss it all.

give me a hint, okay?
xoxo

You'll be happy again.

you were happy once before.
you'll be happy again.


i love you.
but, i'm scared for your safety.
you don't know what a person is like.. when they are on those types of toxins.
he is sick.
he needs help.
you are just starting your life.
you have an amazing job.
you are starting college soon.
your life is happening, his isn't.
he is going back to old ways,
and he just got back from where he's been.
i'm scared for you.
i don't want him to pull you down.
drain you.
and possibly abuse you.

i love you.
but you need to kick him out.
he needs to help himself.
maybe losing you, will help him.
losing you might have that little lightbulb i know he has in his brain, go off.
and it might tell him he is losing you and needs help.

i am always here for you.
if you were straight, i'd totally marry you.
you are handsome.
and beautiful.
and any guy will be lucky to have you.
you are an amazing person.
you deserve the world.
and he isn't it.

it will take a bit to get over him.
you may never get over him.
but once you find somebody else, that treats you right,
you'll realize he was an awful person.
and you deserve better.
and you will find somebody else.
you have so much love to give.
you'd give it all if you could.
you are someone that will do great things.
and i'm glad i know you.
you make me want to do better.
you make everyone want to do better.

you like to help people.
so do i.
so i know how it is.
but, this guy is taking advantage of you.
he is fucking up.
and he doesn't even care.
i love you.
please make the right decision.
xoxo

I still want my band shirt.

hmm..
so last blog was pretty deep.
totally over that, actually.
you want to know why?
shit happens.
people hurt you.
move on.
it's as easy as that.
:)

it's time to live again.
it's time to be happy.
it's time to giggle like you are in the 10th grade.
it's time to not be so afraid.
it's time to not be so paranoid that you'll see someone.
it's time to get out of that fucking comfort zone and do things.
today was a lot better.

besides all of that,
you are the ONLY guy.. not even a guy. you are definately a man.
you are the ONLY man i would ever let wake me up at 4 in the morning.
anyone else, i wouldn't even answer.
you are also the most attractive man i've seen in my life.
you are also the kind of man that doesn't care much.
but i kind of like it that way.
it keeps me safe.
knowing upfront that you don't care much,
is really good.
you may later, but knowing this is good for me.
i've known you for a year now.
i used to have the bigggggest crush on you.
like those crushes you get in elementry school?
that kind.
but now, it's different.
now, i genuinely like talking to you.
you are definately defined as lust.
you are the definition of lust.
everything about you, makes me just want to fuck you.
all day.
all night.

i do genuinely care about you i think.
i know my last post was all about totally not knowing what love is.
this isn't love.
i care what happens with you.
it's a definate start.

you do not trust anybody.
i do not trust anybody.
you do not commit to anything.
i do not commit to anything.
it works.

you have the most incredible laugh.
and you have the most incredible voice.
i may not like your choice in music,
which is basically your life,
but i do listen to it when you send it to me, because i like knowing stuff about you and your life.
i do like your art.
you are very good.

i like when you call me really late
and your voice gets all deep
and i totally know if you are horny or tired.
you like the same things i do.
like, exactly.
and that is complete lust.
but i also like when you fall asleep while still on the phone.
you SO snore.
don't fucking lie.
i hear you, fool.
but it's really cute actually.

i've never written about you in my blog ever before.
i am not looking for anything.
i am not getting my hopes up.
you are too good for me, for my standards.
seriously, you are too good.
i can't compete with the type of girls you look at.
but you do you look at me.
and talk to me.
and i don't know why.
i don't think you like me in that way,
but who knows?
that would be pretty chill if you did.

i like that we can hold a conversation,
for hours.
unlike other guys i talk to,
i can't keep a conversation with them.
i get bored.
you never bore me.
ever.

you are viciously cute.
in more ways than one.
yes, you are the sexiest guy i've ever laid eyes on.
but, you are also a totally dork sometimes.
you joke around a lot.
we make fun of everyone.
you have a personality.
you inspired me to write this blog.
you are funny.
you are sweet.
you make me laugh.
and i like talking to you.

this may not go anywhere,
i'm not expecting anything,
but i am saying i like talking to you.
i genuinely enjoy anything to do with you.

you hide behind your looks.
you don't give yourself enough credit.
you are beautiful.
you are smart.
you are a smartass, lol.
you are cocky.
you don't trust anyone, because you don't want to be hurt.
you talk about your dick a lot, but rightfully so.
you score a 11 in that catagory.
you think you are hot shit.
and you are.
but it's an act.
confidence is very sexy.
but i like that i know things about you.
i like that you share secrets with me.
i like your stories,
and how dumb you are. lol

i'm infatuated by you.
i don't even know why you are talking to me.
and i don't know how long you'll talk to me,
we dont' talk for months at a time,
but when we do,
we do.

this entry got pretty long.
my bad, gangstur.

i was going to use a picture of you,
but maybe i don't want you seeing this blog,
and maybe i don't wanna share.

ps-- i still want my band shirt.
signed.
so i can wear it to bed and to the grocery store. :)
xoxo

I don't know what love is.

i don't know what love is.




i've realized something.. kind of recently.
i'm destructive.
i don't trust anyone.
and i don't know what love is.
my mind is so warped.
i'm seriously fucked.
it's really bugging me.

i don't know what love is.
i've never had it.
i don't know what it is.

if a guy flirts with me,
i flirt back.
i take this as a sign of liking me.
if a guy wants to fuck,
i fuck.
but that's not liking anybody.
that isn't love.
not even close.

but i've realized, that's what i do.
i don't know what love is.
it scares me.
i'm destructive.
i ruin good things.
and i do it often.

lately,
for a few weeks now..
a guy has been talking to me.
i have never met him.
i put up my wall, and that's where it will stay.
it's not coming down.
not even close.

he calls me beautiful.
he says he is very interested in me.
he wants to meet me.
he hasn't talked about sex.
he hasn't mentioned his dick.
he says i'm amazing.
he says.. i'm gorgeous.

he asked me when he can visit me.
and i said never.
and he thought i was kidding.
i wasn't kidding.

and it's really mean of me.
i don't even like him.
he may be attractive,
but i don't like him like that.
he asks me if i miss him,
and i say no.
and he thinks i'm kidding.
i really DON'T miss him.
he txts me all day.
how can i miss someone who txts me all day?
that's totally mean of me.
like, really mean.
i don't like him like that.
he says "im playing hard to get"
i
do
not
like
him
like
that.
how much clearer can i be.

he is too nice.
too caring.
too affectionate.
makes it a fact to call me everyday.
makes it a fact to ask me about my day.
makes it a fact to call me beautiful everyday.
makes it a fact to say he misses me. every single day.

yes, i want guy like him.
but he bores me.
i get bored.
not many can keep my interest.

i'm not used to that.
i'm fucking destructive.
i hate this feeling.
i hate being afraid.
it's so fucking stupid.

i wish i was fearless again.
i wonder if i'll ever be again.
xoxo

Criminal Justice.. I think yes.

woooooooooooo.
northern arizona university is NO MORE.
fuckers.
lol :)

university of phoenix?
totally just applied.
someone called me within like 2 minutes.
financial aid is happening.
totally transfering.
like that fast.
crazy.
& most of my 31 credits transfer?
totally down for that too.

down sidee.. need to comeplete the AA program online.
only need like a science credit
and a history credit.

then i can take all my other classes on campus,
cause the CRIMINAL JUSTICE program is only offered for a BA
and i need the AA for the pre-reqs.
cause i wanna be a PAROLE OFFICER.
watch out bitches,
i'll be a badass.
my mother needed a numerous parole officer for like.. 15 years.
i can handle this shit.

sooo.. not so bad. :)
psychology is no more.
criminal justice is in.
oooo and my psychology credits can transfer
for a minor
in my criminal justice degree.
nice.

andddd..
i still get all of this
and i even failed a semester of college?
crazy.
oh
oh
oh.

my gpa
gets wiped clean.
and the new gpa i'll be getting
will be the classes that transfer
that i got a C or above
soo..
no more 1.8 gpa?
nice.

that is my inspiration today :)
i hate college.

I'm back, bitches.

update :


back home.
sneaking cigs.
chilling with friends.
going out.
but never going out.
atleast not in this town.
it's weird being back.
i mean.. i love being back.
i missed so many people.
and i didn't miss some of them at all.

it's like.. good and bad.
but not even bad.
just kinda like.. the same.
that doesn't even make sense.
but you can decipher it later.

this is the summer that things are going to happen.
this is the summer i'll be fearless again.
don't you miss those days?
not being afraid of shit?
this is the summer.

step one : get a job in town.
watch out bitches, i'm back.

step two : chill with people as much as i can.
time to have some fun again.

step three : make some new friends.
time to meet some cool kids.

step four : transfer colleges.
ASU? maybe. i'm thinking more of a trade school though.

step five : fall in love.
let's put this shit behind us, and be fearless again.

i'm excited about this summer. :)
my classes end on friday.
and after that.. watch out.
i'm back.
xoxo

I still like you more.

no matter how many guys talk to me.
no matter how many guys flirt with me.
no matter how many guys call me.
and try to win me over,

i still like you better.
as much as you drive me crazy sometimes,
as much as you neverrr call me,
as much as you aren't close to where i am,
i still like you better.

but it won't be that way forever.
win me over.
make it so i don't want to talk to these other guys.
all i want to do, is talk to you.
and see you.
and kiss you.

maybe you don't want this.
which is perfectly totally your choice.
just tell me,
so i'll know.
i'll know to stop getting my hopes up.
and i'll know that you don't want this.

i miss you.
and i know what i want.
what do you want?
i'm tired of guessing.
xoxo

I miss you. I wish i got to know you.

i had the weirdest, most amazing dream last night.



it was about my father.
all of a sudden.
i don't dream about him often.
i only remember glimpes of him.
i don't remember his voice.
but i remember what he looked like and how he walked.
and how tall he was.

so my dream..

i was in vegas with friends,
my nana and mother.
i guess i was older, because i was gambling.
i was doing the slots and this guy sat next to me.
and i looked at him, in the dream,
and it looked exactly like my father.
and he looked at me,
and i asked him his name.
and it was my fathers name,
and i asked him how old he was,
and he said the same age my father would have been if he were still around.
and then i told him my name, and he just looked at me.
some reason, the dream all fastforwarded itself,
and we were at the hotel we were staying at,
and my father was all..
"i'm so sorry i left you. i had to go away for a little bit, but now that i found you again, i'll never leave you."
and the dream was so real.
like it's one of those dreams where it's so real and you never want to wake up.
i asked him where he lived.
and he said "fort mohave, arizona, the border of arizona and nevada"
and dream me knew exactlyyyy where that was
and real me has no idea where that is.
so i totally googled it, real me, and it's really next to the border of arizona and nevada!
i have no idea how dream me knew that.
and then the dream fast forwarded itself again,
and my father was hugging me,
and for some reason i saw a scar on his stomach,
and i asked how he got it,
and he said it happened when he was away for a little bit.
now, real me, telling my mother this dream, says he did have a scar on his stomach from a gun shot wound from when he was in the organized crime profession.
she had never told me that he ever had a scar, like how did dream me know that?

dream me knows a lot more then real me does. lol, like seriously.

so back in the dream,
he was hugging me, saying he will never leave me again, saying he will move closer to me to be in my life and apparently i was getting married or something, dream me was, and he wanted to walk me down the isle and have the father-daughter dance with me.
and in the dream, i remember crying, but it was happy tears.
i was so happy i found him again, and i was so happy he was in my life because i've missed him for so long. i'm such a daddy's girl.

and then i woke up.
and i was so upset.
and i tried to go back to sleep,
and dream more about it, and i couldn't.
don't you hate when that happens?

i wish my dream was real.
i wish he was still around and just.. he had to go away for awhile.
i've always thought that when i was little.
i always just thought.. he wasn't dead and he was just away.
and he would come back when he finished whatever he was doing.
but that's not the case,
and this is life,
and life happens.

i just wish i knew him better.
apparently dream me knows him better.
weirdd.

miss you dad.
and i know one day i will see you again.
xoxo