Don't fuck with something you can't finish.

it is totally not fair.
but life isn't fair, right? :)


totally off subject,
i love marilyn monroe.
i'm going to name my future baby marilyn.
lol!

back to subject..
this sucks.
like really.
and he totally created this
out of thin air
for what?
fun?
lol.
asshole.
like seriously.
you are an asshole.
don't fuck with something you can't finish.
xoxo

Summertime is here.

you, my friend.. are going to cause a lot of drama.
but definitely some much needed adventure.
hope we can all live through this.
xoxo

This week was too long for my taste.

this last week has been like, totally crazy.



it's been superrrr highschool lately.
and i'm totally not down for that.
:)
let's just keep this fun, kids.
like, seriously.
wtf is with all this gossip.
and all this drama.
we don't need it.
it's bullshit.
it's done.
let's move the fuck on.

we're not in highschool anymore.
sorry to burst your bubble.
secrets being spread.
talking shit.
it's so highschool.

i just want to live life.
laugh until i can't anymore.
smile until my cheeks hurt.
scream for no reason.
have fun like there is no tomorrow.

it's time we remembered these things.

and honestly, i don't want to hear about all your shit.
i don't like you complaining every fucking day.
it gets old.
sure, i'm here if something you seriously neeeed to talk about comes up,
but everything else,
leave me out.
i don't need to be worrying about your shit,
when you already cause me hella stress by spreading my shit.
totally over this highschool phase you are going through.

:)
i'm done with my rant.
i feel much better.
and this week is going to be amazing.
xoxo

Maybe, maybe not.

hmm.. i haven't blogged in awhile.
i don't even know really what to say.

i'm alive!
that's good.

so it's like 1:30am.
and i can't sleep.
so obviously i'm going to tire myself out.
andddddd..
well.
i couldn't find anything
"amazing"
to watch.
it was super upsetting.
but then..
at like.. the last search
i found something a-mazing.
and now i'm happy :)

but really awake..
which was totally the wrong effect i wanted.
so.
here i am.

i'll write more
when i have more inspiration.
:)
xoxo

I'm not your babe, I'm not your babe, Fernando.

you can't blame yourself.



we didn't know.
none of us knew.
i didn't know.
you didn't know.
your family didn't know.
our other friends didn't know.
we all didn't know.
he fooled us all.

all of us.
not just you.
it's not your fault.

i saw you on saturday.
and we had one of those crazy bonding moments.
we looked through our high school yearbook,
made fun of kids we didn't like,
commented on the kids we thought were chill,
and you brought out your box.

it was your box of life.
everything you had in there had a meaning.
i asked you about each and every one of them.
there was a rose in there.
apparently, i gave it to you.
your first flower you ever recieved on valentine's day.
honestly, i don't remember giving it to you.
but i still have my corsage from prom in my freezer,
the one you gave me,
and it's still in tact and beautiful.

there was a baggy of letters in there.
and a picture of the one person i'd kill if it weren't illegal.
and i read all of the letters.
all of the letters he sent you from jail.
all the lies he kept on repeating himself.
all the plans he had.

"please put 40 dollars on my books"
"you are not only my partner, but my best friend"
"i can't wait for vegas with you and lauren on your 21st birthday"
"i will love you always"
"i miss you so much, babe"

I'm not your babe, i'm not your babe, fernando.

it's all bullshit.
all of it.
and if i knew he wrote you these things earlier,
i could have saved you sooner.
i could have helped you see how much of a monster he is sooner.
i was too late.

he even wrote about me.
he said..
"you know, what they say is true. you fight with the ones you love the most. lauren and i wouldn't have blown up on eachother so bad if that wasn't true"

you know what that is?
him trying to get back into your good graces.
it's bullshit.
i may have loved him as a best friend.
like you.
but after i saw him.. like that?
that exact second, he was nothing.
there is no second chances for that.

i don't understand why you stayed with him so long.
the first time he got high, i'd dump him.
even if i loved him very much.
the first time he cheated on me, i'd dump him.
the first time he verbally abused me, i'd dump him.
the first time.. he made me cry on purpose.
i
would
dump
him.

i don't understand.
i know you loved him.
well.. you love him.
i know this.
but still.
he is a monster.

you asked me if this was normal for people to go through at our age,
and it's not.
it's not normal.
we don't go through this.
we don't deal with drugs.
we may deal with cheating.
we don't deal with verbal abuse.
and i swear,
if he ever laid a hand on you,
well,
you'd hate me for killing his pathetic wannabe judy ass.

i love you very much.
and it makes me so upset that he did this to you.
i couldn't stop it.

it makes me want to cry when i think of the things he put you through.
i told you that.
and you walked over to me.
and kissed my forehead.
you make me feel safe.

do you know i have reoccuring dreams he is going to like..
break into my house,
and kill everyone?
i have this dream about everynight.
and i can't sleep.
i'm literally scared of him.
i'm scared of what he might do when he is high.
because he hates me so much,
he hates me because i'm the one that stood up to him.
i called him out.
and drug addicts, well..
that doesn't go well with them.

i know if i saw him,
i'd have so much rage that i'd kick his ass.
i would fight till i couldn't anymore.
but still,
he is a monster.

i'm sorry i couldn't convince you back in october.
i'm sorry i couldn't make you see sooner.
i tried.
i lectured.
everyday.
and it just pissed you off.
but i kept at it.
everyday.
but you finally figured it out.
it took a bit, but you did it.

i love you.
and i will be here for you forever.
not everyone is like him.
not everyone is going to hurt you.
i'm happy you found someone else.
he seems like a real cutie.
karma is paying you back.
i believe it.

i just want to say one more thing.
i don't know where i'd be without you.
and fool, i know without me, you'd be lost.
:)
xoxo